The good, the bad, and the ugly

The good: My friend Shawna got these
yesterday. She and her husband have had a struggle to get this and I really hope for the best and her little babies ('cause there's the possibility of THREE in there!) Congrats girl!



The bad: I still have not gone to get the bloodwork done that the dr wanted me to get 2 months ago. I used the excuse that I would just wait until school was out. Well, now school's been out for 3 weeks and I still haven't gone. No really good reason why. It's supposed to be fasting bloodwork which means I need to go in the morning. Ugh. Not my idea of a good start to the day. I hate needles and I pass out when giving blood even on a very settled tummy. The thought of going in and having them stick me without any food in my stomach makes me dizzy. I was determined to go today. Well, here I sit at 11:53 and I have not gone. I have not eaten either. So I suppose I could still go, But we all know that's not going to happen. :P Here's to me actually getting it done tomorrow. I have a book club meeting at 10:00a.m., so I have to be up anyways. Maybe I'll go get the tests done first, then treat myself to a really good breakfast at Panera or something on my way to book club.


The ugly: My attitude. My brain function. My horrible, horrible jealously and sense of entitlement. I seriously hate myself right now but I just can't make it stop. Explanation:
I logged on to myspace this morning and found an update from a friend from high school - "I'M GONNA BE A DADDY" along with a bulletin and a full update. A quote from the bulletin: I'm gonna be a Daddy! Not a suga daddy, or a pimp daddy, but a bonafide genuine real life Big Pappa! (That's right, go procreation! I have swimmers!) Ugh! Now,this friend got married in January and now has a 12 week pregnant wife. I know that somewhere in my mind, I'm happy for him. And I truly do wish her a happy and healthy 9 months. But why them? Why not us? as if the fact that I've been trying to get pregnant for over a year somehow makes me DESERVE to have a baby ahead of other people who want babies. I know that's not how it works. And I know there are people out there who have been trying for FAR longer than me. But obviously they had no problems getting pregnant. We didn't the first time either but then we lost our baby. Will we ever be able to get pregnant again? Will we lose it again? I just hate that these thoughts even go through my head. I need to get out of the house and away from the computer. Otherwise this horrible spiral of depression and self-loathing will continue.

How do I get over this?!

Raspberries and strawberries and...

These are gooseberries.

Aren't they cute? So perfectly round and a very pretty green. I love green. Anyways, I almost bought them today at the store. But I restrained. ::pat on back:: Does anyone know what one does with a gooseberry? Can you just eat them? Or do they have to be cooked?

I love trying new fruit. That's one of the main reasons I miss the Farmer's Market. You could wander up and down aisles and try all sorts of stuff. Mmmmmm. ::drool::

Ok, I'm back.

I did buy these though.

Aren't they pretty? And no, the color is not off. They're yellow. And they're raspberries. And soooooo yummy.

So, a question: Do any of you out there in blogland have some sort of "weird" or interesting food you like? Don't like? Share please.

BLARGH!!

Would you work in this building?

Each floor spins. It apparently takes 3 hours to make a complete rotation. I can tell you right now, I would be sick all the time! And how do you get up and down? Only elevator? What happens if it breaks? So many questions about this.

For the article, you can go here.

It's going to be a hard day

*Warning* This is going to be a very depressing post. It will probably also be very long and convoluted. I'm writing this down as it comes to me and I'm not going to read back over to check for spelling and grammatical errors. I'm also not expecting many of you to actually read this through. But I need to get it out, otherwise it's going to completely take me over today.

At this time last year, I was still a blissfully unaware pregnant woman. I was feeling great. I had no morning sickness and the only smell that bothered me was fake cherry. I considered myslef very lucky. We had been unable to confirm dates but I was about 9 and a half weeks. I had known about the pregnancy since the day after our one year anniversary. We could not have been happier. So, I went to work on Monday morning perfectly fine.

During prep time that afternoon, I went to the bathroom and noticed brown spotting. I wasn't too worried because I had read that brown spotting was normal and I should really only worry if it continued for a days or was red. Well, when I wiped, it was red. Alarm bells started going off in my head. They were very quiet at this point though. So, I finished out the day at work and went home. The spotting had not stopped and I was feeling a little crampy. I called my doctor's office. "Well, it's probably normal but you can go to the hospital if you want. We'll leave it up to you," they said. Gee, thanks for easing my mind. So, I called my mom and told her what was going on. She said, "I'll be right over. Call Mike and tell him we're going to the hospital." OK. It was at this point that I really starting freaking out. Oh my god, what if I'm not pregnant anymore?

So, we get to the hospital, check in, and wait. And wait. And wait some more. And then wait a bit longer. Finally, my mom gets up and tells the triage nurse "My daughter is pregnant and she's bleeding. When is she going to get in?" The nurse looks totally freaked out and says "How long have you been waiting?" Oh, only about 3 hours. Turns out somehow my paperwork was "misplaced." Gee, thanks. It's not like there's a whole lot of places for it to go back there.

Then, they got me in right away. I had to get bloodwork taken, do an ultrasound, and have a pelvic exam. Ok. But if it meant that I would have a healthy baby, I was all good. Bloodwork was taken. check. Vaginal ultrasound AND normal ultrasound. check. The guy doing the ultrasound sisn't let me see the screen, which worried me. He also didn't say anything and I didn't hear a heartbeat. All very bad signs to me. When I asked him questions, he said he wasn't allowed to discuss anything and the doctor would tell me more. Ummm, ok. So, on to the pelvic exam. The girl that did my exam said that things looked ok. Just probably normal bleeding. *sigh of relief* Alright, now just go wait out in the hall and the doctor will come talk to you about your results. Ok. So we waited some more. Finally, a doctor came and told us what our blood result numbers were. All I remember thinking was "Geez, that's really high. That's got to be good." I asked him if that was normal and he said he couldn't really answer because he didn't know how far along I was. But they wanted me back in 2 days to recheck. If everything was normal, they should double. Also, according the the ultrasound, the baby was measuring 6w2d and didn't have a heartbeat but that could be normal. Apparently, it should start beating sometime around now. Ok, so no answers and more waiting. Got it.

I took the next two days off of work and sat as still as possible. I made sure to lay only my left side in bed. I drank gallons of water. I did anything that I could possibly think of to keep my baby. The bleeding got heavier anyways. Then, the day of the second blood draw, it stopped. Nothing was there when I wiped. Nothing was there when I woke up that morning. Nothing. "Good. Maybe all of this is normal. I've heard of people getting their "periods" during pregnancy and everything being fine. Maybe I'm one of those people. " Those were the thoughts running through my head. Looking back, I was in denial. There was no way that we could be 6w2d. I had known about the pregnancy for 5 weeks already. And it wasn't like I was an early tester.

So, we went to the hospital Wednesday morning, got the blood taken and went home to wait for results. Ah yes, the waiting. We finaly got a call from my dostor at around 2. The numbers were going down. I was having a miscarriage. My heart sank. That couldn't be possible. I loved this baby. I was planning for this baby. We were buying a house to raise this baby in. We'd already put in our down payment. This wasn't right. I had done everything the "right way." I didn't drink. I didn't smoke. I didn' t eat hot dogs or lunch meat. I was married. We were stable. Why was this happening?

And then the pain kicked in. The most physical and emotional pain I have ever felt. I called my mom sobbing. My doctor wouldn't give me any pain medication and I swear I was dying. She said she'd be over in a "minute." She was bringing over pain meds. Oh, thank god. She took forever to get to my house. She had decided to go to the store and bring me survival type things. She brought over a roast chicken, fruit, veggies, a book, etc... It was very sweet really, but I just wanted the pain to stop and I was so mad at her for taking so long. I pretty much lived in a percoset fog for 3 days.

By Friday night, the largest clots had passed and now I was just bleeding. And still raw emotionally. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't go for more than an hour without crying. I thought I would never heal. I would never feel "normal" again. I didn't even want to think about getting pregnant again.

Progressively, things got better. I was able to find people to talk to. I was able to heal. And I was able to think about getting pregnant again. And apparently, think about it is all. Because even though we got pregnant very easily last time, since then, nothing. It's been a full year of trying since the m/c and I have not gotten pregnant again. There are so many questions for me as to why that is. Was our last pregnancy a complete fluke? Is there something wrong with me? Was it always there or was it caused my the m/c? Is there something wrong with Mike? When will we be able to find out? And my period started today. So, on to cycle 14 since we started TTC. Cycle 12 since m/c. I think I'll spend the day in bed watching movies. I don't feel like moving.

Monday Mayhem

Alright, so not really mayhem but it sounds so cool.


My weekend was pretty good. Here's the rundown.


Jules' party was Saturday. I've been looking forward to it for a month now. It was a "Pimps n' Hos" party and while I don't like the terminology, the theatre part of my brain said "yippie!!! Costumes!!!!!" and sent me shopping. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to be a pimp or a ho but I knew I had a pinstriped jacket that needed to be worn. I figured with a fedora, I'd be good to go. In the end, I ended up buying an almost entirely new outfit and I think it came out well. What do you think?



That's me on the right and my friend Veela on the left. I loved my fedora so much. :) It was really nice to get out and laugh with friends. So glad that I was not at all worried about being pregnant. Mike and I both had a blast.


Sunday, Mike and I went to the library and picked up the next few episodes of Bleach which we've both really gotten into. I have never been a big anime fan but I'll often try to watch it with Mike because he's been collecting and watching anime since he was in high school. The extent of my anime experience in high school was Sailor Moon, which makes Mike roll his eyes. Haha. Anyways, so we got the episodes and sat and relaxed on the couch together for the afternoon.

I also finished The Time Traveler's Wife and can now say that it was a very good story. I laughed and cried. FYI to those dealing with infertility or losses: the book deals with both and if your loss is still new, hold off on this book.

Speaking of infertility, I started spotting today AND finally got a low on the CBEFM. YAHOO!!!!!!! So, hopefully everything starts soon and we can move forward. I can call the doctor and make an appointment to make a new plan if we don't get pg this month. So, win-win either way. Either I'm pregnant or we can actually get some help from the doctor and not another "well, you're young. it'll happen" or "you got pregnant before. give it another 3 months and then talk to me."

So, all in all, it's been a really good past few days.

Yaaay for accomplishments

I feeling quite happy right now. I think I accomplished just about everything on my list. Actually, I haven't done the bathrooms, but I did more than was on my list so I don't feel bad. I'll hit the bathrooms tomorrow. And the loft still needs to be dusted (ugh) but that's not too bad. I can get everything done in about and hour tomorrow and then I'll spend he rest of the day reading. Yaaay!! So thank you blogland, for keeping me on track to get off my ass and get some work done.

One of the things I did yeaterday was going to the library. I got myself a few book that I've been wanting to read. I started The Time Traveler's Wife last night and it seems like it's going to be a fast read. I'm already very interested in where it's going. I also picked up a book that I keep hearing mentioned, Eat, Pray, Love. Reading the back it's not one that I would normally pick up but I've heard really good things about it. So why not give it a shot? I'm still reading Innocent Traitor which I'm forcing myself to finish. I've been puttering through it for what seems like forever. I've always been very interested in the whole King Henry VIII time period up through Elizabeth I's reign. So, I guess I just know too much about the historical time period it take place in and so there's no tension to the story for me. Blah.

Let's see, anything else? Oh, yeah, CBEFM.....still only high. I'm going to have to buy a whole new box of test stick if I don't get a peak tomorrow. I've only got 4 left. Stupid, stupid body. Isn't the Provera supposed to help this along?

Accountability

Need a place to waste some time and do something good for yourself and others? Go here.

In case you can't tell, I'm procrastinating again today. It's past 11:30 and I still haven't gotten dressed. Blah. I have got to break out of this cycle.

So, here's the list of things I want to get done. Maybe if I post it here and make myself accountable for it, I'll actually do something.

1. get dressed
2. take shower
3. go to store to get quiche ingredients
4. run dishwasher
5. wipe down kitchen
6. sweep/swiffer kitchen and bathrooms
7. laundry
8. pick up loft
9. vacuum (maybe leave this for mike :))

Alright, let's see what I can get done today. Thanks internet for keeping me on task.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, cd21 and CBEFM still says only high. At this rate, if I get a peak we may as well TTC since the party won't even be an issue.

The animals

Because the last post left me a little depressed, I am making a new post full of the animals in my life that make me happy. Most of these are old, but I don't care. The animals don't change much.

Chiisai as a spider last Halloween. He didn't like the costume very much.

He was much happier as a bee.

This is Reynee, our foster. She is such a sweetie. I'm still hoping someone adopts her soon because she's really starting to fit in here and Mike has forbidden another pet for right now.

This is Zoe when we were moving into the house. She found the Christmas wreath and decided it was a perfect bed for her. It was like an inpenetrable fortress from the dogs and Sophie.

Speaking of Sophie, here she is in her most common position. This is her immediate pose as soon as we walk in the door from work. And any time we're going down the stairs. Or back up the stairs. Heck, any time we might possibly be walking past her, this is Soph's position. :)

I love my animals.

Nothing

There is really nothing for me to blog about today. My life has gotten incredibly boring now that I don't have to go to work every day. I have these great plans for things I want to get done, but I keep pushing them back. I keep thinking "eh, I can get to it tomorrow." And then I don't. Hence the plight of procrastinors everywhere.



CBEFM still gave me a high this morning. I am starting to despise that thing. Even though I suppose it's not the CBEFM's fault. Don't shoot the messenger Kate.



A lot of girls that I "know" from the internet are getting pregnant. While I'm happy for them because most have struggled TTC, it hurts in a very selfish way. I think "I've been trying longer than you. That should be my BFP (big fat positive - pregnancy test)." I know that this is a struggle for all "infertile" women from time to time. (I still have a hard time thinking of myself as "infertile" because I did get pregnant once. Pretty easily too. But now it's been a year of truly trying and we have gotten nothing.) Ah well, this too shall pass.

Stupid, stupid body

Alright, so I guess it's a good thing we're TTA (trying to avoid) this month. I've been using my CBEFM to check for ovulation and I've been getting highs since cd9. It's now cd19!!! COME ON!!! Usually I have 3-4 days of highs and then my peaks. WTH is up with this 10 days of highs? Annovulatory cycle? Effect of the Provera (yes, I am taking it again this month)? Anyone know?

It's Father's day

OH yay. Yet another day that makes me uncomfortable. My dad is a loser druggie and I don't plan on acknowledging him today. Which will probably make my mom really pissy but I truly don't care. We're supposed to go to a BBQ with my mom at her new boyfriend's house and I know she's going to try to make me call him. I refuse. He's an ass and does not deserve the title of "dad." There are so many things that I wish I could tell him but it wouldn't matter. He's so self-centered and self-absorbed and on so many drugs that there's no way of having a" grown-up" conversation with him. Whatever. Just as a reminder, he still won't discuss my wedding with me. Remember his outfit? You don't? Allow me to remind you.

He fits right in. The flip-flops make the outfit, dontcha think? And in his whacked out brain, somehow this was ok. My poor mom. She looks mortified. Then, let us not forget that he disappeared sometime in the night without saying goodbye to anyone and I was left missing a somewhat important person for the Father/Daughter dance. Nice. Good thing my mom is awesome and we ended up doing a Mother/Daughter dance which was better anyways.

My sister, who is much more straightforward than I, asked my dad once what made him act the way he did. His answer: "All I remember about that day was having a killer headache." Her answer: "Nice Dad. Way to go at your daughter's only wedding." Some days, I have to applaud my sister.

Last time I saw my dad (probably about 9 months ago), his first words were "Geez Kate, you've put on weight." Thanks. That's what I want to hear. Especially since I don't worry about that every day and I love to have it pointed out by my dad. (The time previous to this, we had told my dad we were pregnant (actually, my mom had told him) I smiled uncomfortably. His response "...." and a chuckle. That's it.) So, ya know, he could have said "I'm sorry for your loss" or "are you doing ok?" or anything. But instead he chose "Geez Kate, you've put on weight." Yeah, thanks for showing the love. Asshole.

So, Happy Father's Day to all those great dads out there. I know a lot of you. And to all of you who have great dads, be sure to take time to appreciate them today. Hopefully next year, Mike and I will have our own baby to celebrate with. Mike will be such a good dad and it hurts that he hasn't been given the chance to show that yet. So, here's to next year.

Beware the minivan...

So, Mike and I were driving home from the movies the other night and saw the flashing blue and red lights signaling that someone had been pulled over up ahead. We got closer and saw that the cop "car" was a minivan. And not some cool looking, sleek, black, window tinted minivan. It looked like this

only without the cool background and tinted windows.

Can you see the cop that gets stuck with the minivan for the day. I imagine him mumbling, "give me the damn minivan....fine....I'll show you..." and proceeding to give out a bazillion tickets.

Seriously?!

Alright, so my quest to clean the house is not going so well. I've done, well, nothing. I moved around some dishes and then spent the morning looking for music to add to my iPod. (hey, I need music to clean to!)

Anyway, in my wanderings while waiting for music to download, I found this. Seriously, I hate the BMI calculator. It makes me sick. Who in their right mind would look at this girl and think "Oh yeah, she's overweight." Is it her boobs? Are you not allowed to be "normal" and have boobs?
And then there's this one. Almost "obese?" It makes me cry because I know so many girls/women that judge themselves based on this stupid scale! Doctors have it up in their offices so we take it as "right", but looking at these pictures (glance through the whole album - it's worth it), I can't take it anymore. The girls in these pictures are beautiful, but I'm sure that they don't see themselves that way simply because of a number and a word.

I feel the need to share a story. It's related to the above.

I remember a time in my life before dieting. In high school, I was 145lbs and 5'6". I did sports and walked to school every day. I was actually content with my body. I mean, I knew I wasn't perfect, but I was ok with myself. But I kept it a big secret, locked inside, because no one is ever content with their body. "Something must be wrong with me" I thought. So I started telling myself I needed to lose weight. It gave me something to connect with other girls about. We would sit and complain about our bodies and reassure each other about how really, we looked ok. But still, I was OK with my body. And I stayed at the same weight (give or take 5 lbs) for about 6 years. Then, I got into college and into serious theatre and decided to "diet."

From that point on, it's been a struggle. I have gained so much weight since that choice was made. I go on and off eating right/dieting/exercising. I've tried gyms, exercise programs, eating programs, whatever I thought might work. And they do for a short time. Then you skip a day here and there, then the guilt sets in for not doing it, so you eat/not exercise for "one more day" and say you'll start again tomorrow (which you don't), so you feel guilty, and a horrible cycle starts. I know some of you out there in blogland are with me.

We are bombarded every day with images of airbrushed models and commercials about every diet on the market. Every other commercial is for South Beach meals, Jenny Craig, or something to do with working out. I wish it would all just go away. Maybe then we could learn to be ourselves and not what other people expect us to be. We wouldn't feel guilty about being content with our bodies.

Another foster

She's so super cute!! Her name is Reynee (pronounced like "rainy") and she has so much love and energy. I am afraid that if she doesn't get adopted soon, I'll want to keep her. Chiisai immediately took to her and they have been playing and running around all morning. I mean, look at this cute face -



Alright, now I'm off to clean my house. I was appalled yesterday when I realized that there were very few spaces in my house that we clean enough to be a background for pictures of Reynee. Sad, sad. That's what happens when it's summer break and I decide that I'm taking a vaction from all responsibilities. But now my week off is over and I need to clean. Wish me luck.

I've been TAGGED!

Kristin tagged me. It's somewhat strange how excited this makes me. I know, I'm weird. Oh well, you guys should know that by now.

The rules of the game get posted at the beginning. Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tag people and posts their names, then go to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1. What was I doing ten years ago? It was my last summer of High School (so many of you are screaming right now "oh my g_d, she's YOUNG). I was going to be a senior come August and I really had no stress in my life. I was working full time at Hallmark and most of my money was spent on, oh, whatever the hell I wanted to spend it on. Ah, to have that freedom again.

2. Five things on my to do list for today: get dressed, watch "History Boys" before it's due back at the library, do the last load of laundry, start the dishwasher, and go see the "Bleach" movie with the hubby tonight.

3. Snacks I enjoy right now: Albertson's chocolate chip cookies, 100 calorie packs (cheetoes, chips ahoy, oreos), grapes, apples, string cheese. Yum.

4. Things I would do if I were a billionaire: pay off our debt, buy TONS of yarn for so many knitting projects, have my house professionally decorated, have a personal chef, donate to SNPR whenever they need it (probably end up with more pugs too), travel (bring my friends along too), reinvest, and just enjoy it.

5. Places I have lived: Torrance, CA; Denver, CO; Las Vegas and Reno, NV

6. People I want to know more about: Eileen, Mrs. Soup, V, and whoever else wants to join in. Let me know if your choose to do it. :)

Thoughts

So, Mike and I went out running errands yesterday. It was beautiful weather and so for lunch, we got out food and sat outside. We started talking about this whole "getting pregnant" thing that had been taking over out thoughts for the past year (plus some). This made me start thinking. If I hadn't lost our baby. we would have a six month old child right now. Damn. That hit hard. Our original EDD was 12-31-07. It really hurts to think about, but now I can't get the thought out of my head. WHY? I really need to start thinking about positive things or I'm going to spiral into a depression. And that would be bad when I'm on summer break and home alone all day.

In other fertility news, we've decided not to TTC this month. Jules is having a party on the 21st and I want to be able to drink without wondering whether I'm pregnant or not. We've been going to parties just about once a month for the past 4 months and I haven't been able to drink at any of them. I wouldn't mind it if I had been pg, but it turns out that I just gave up a perfectly great night for nothing. So, this month, I will drink! Hooray.

In other non-fertility news, we found the most awesome store last night. It's called teavana and we ended up buying a ton (well, actually, one pound) of new teas. It's all loose leaf and the lady working was so great. She told us all about the teas and brought out these huge tea tins for us to sniff. Ahhhh, it was heavenly. I will be drinking tea every day I think. Yum!

SCHOOOOOOL'S OUT

FOR SUMMER! (Yes, I am singing. You should be too.)

Wednesday afternoon was the last day with my class. The start of my day was entertaining and it got better from there. Here's the basics:

One of my girls asked, "So, are we going to do fun stuff today?" Being that every kid knows that the last day of school is always crazy and fun, I answered back in a VERY sarcastic tone and a laugh, "No way. We're testing AAAAALLLLLLLLL day long. Lots and lots of testing." Apparently, the sarcasm was lost on her and she took me seriously. In the time it took to get from the line outside to our classroom (about 2 minutes), the rumor had spread that we were testing. I had 8 kids ask me in the first 30 seconds of class if we were testing. They even started answering each other's questions. "What are we doing today?" one would ask another. "We're testing all day," they would answer back. (Sidebar: Can I just mention that I was feeling like my best friend Duck at this point? My stupid little joking comment was completely taken seriously. She was always able to get anyone to believe anything. Seriously. Anything. Even when it was OBVIOUSLY such a lie. Anywho, back to the main story.) The somewhat frightening thing is that they were not phased by this at all. Apparently, in second grade, testing is fun. Anyways, I finally straightened things out and we moved on with our day.

We had fun. We made read the story and made oobleck. I LOVE playing with this stuff, as does everyone else I know. If you're having a bad day, make up a batch of this and just play for a bit. You'll be smiling after 5 minutes. I guarantee it. The custodians weren't very happy with me (cornstarch makes a big mess), but oh well. We also made slushies using platics bags, ice, and rock salt. I do this every year and it's always a blast. We said our goodbyes, I walked them out, and the school year was over. All in all, my class was pretty great this year and I will miss them.

Then, it was time to pack up and move my room. ::sigh:: Here's what my room looked like at the beginning of this year.

Now, I'm moving into a room about half this size. Boo-hiss! I'll post pictures of that when I get moved in.

But for now, I am taking the next few days off and having nothing to do with school. No lesson plans to do, no grading, no stress about work AT ALL! Yippie!!!!