Wednesday, June 25, 2008

It's going to be a hard day

*Warning* This is going to be a very depressing post. It will probably also be very long and convoluted. I'm writing this down as it comes to me and I'm not going to read back over to check for spelling and grammatical errors. I'm also not expecting many of you to actually read this through. But I need to get it out, otherwise it's going to completely take me over today.

At this time last year, I was still a blissfully unaware pregnant woman. I was feeling great. I had no morning sickness and the only smell that bothered me was fake cherry. I considered myslef very lucky. We had been unable to confirm dates but I was about 9 and a half weeks. I had known about the pregnancy since the day after our one year anniversary. We could not have been happier. So, I went to work on Monday morning perfectly fine.

During prep time that afternoon, I went to the bathroom and noticed brown spotting. I wasn't too worried because I had read that brown spotting was normal and I should really only worry if it continued for a days or was red. Well, when I wiped, it was red. Alarm bells started going off in my head. They were very quiet at this point though. So, I finished out the day at work and went home. The spotting had not stopped and I was feeling a little crampy. I called my doctor's office. "Well, it's probably normal but you can go to the hospital if you want. We'll leave it up to you," they said. Gee, thanks for easing my mind. So, I called my mom and told her what was going on. She said, "I'll be right over. Call Mike and tell him we're going to the hospital." OK. It was at this point that I really starting freaking out. Oh my god, what if I'm not pregnant anymore?

So, we get to the hospital, check in, and wait. And wait. And wait some more. And then wait a bit longer. Finally, my mom gets up and tells the triage nurse "My daughter is pregnant and she's bleeding. When is she going to get in?" The nurse looks totally freaked out and says "How long have you been waiting?" Oh, only about 3 hours. Turns out somehow my paperwork was "misplaced." Gee, thanks. It's not like there's a whole lot of places for it to go back there.

Then, they got me in right away. I had to get bloodwork taken, do an ultrasound, and have a pelvic exam. Ok. But if it meant that I would have a healthy baby, I was all good. Bloodwork was taken. check. Vaginal ultrasound AND normal ultrasound. check. The guy doing the ultrasound sisn't let me see the screen, which worried me. He also didn't say anything and I didn't hear a heartbeat. All very bad signs to me. When I asked him questions, he said he wasn't allowed to discuss anything and the doctor would tell me more. Ummm, ok. So, on to the pelvic exam. The girl that did my exam said that things looked ok. Just probably normal bleeding. *sigh of relief* Alright, now just go wait out in the hall and the doctor will come talk to you about your results. Ok. So we waited some more. Finally, a doctor came and told us what our blood result numbers were. All I remember thinking was "Geez, that's really high. That's got to be good." I asked him if that was normal and he said he couldn't really answer because he didn't know how far along I was. But they wanted me back in 2 days to recheck. If everything was normal, they should double. Also, according the the ultrasound, the baby was measuring 6w2d and didn't have a heartbeat but that could be normal. Apparently, it should start beating sometime around now. Ok, so no answers and more waiting. Got it.

I took the next two days off of work and sat as still as possible. I made sure to lay only my left side in bed. I drank gallons of water. I did anything that I could possibly think of to keep my baby. The bleeding got heavier anyways. Then, the day of the second blood draw, it stopped. Nothing was there when I wiped. Nothing was there when I woke up that morning. Nothing. "Good. Maybe all of this is normal. I've heard of people getting their "periods" during pregnancy and everything being fine. Maybe I'm one of those people. " Those were the thoughts running through my head. Looking back, I was in denial. There was no way that we could be 6w2d. I had known about the pregnancy for 5 weeks already. And it wasn't like I was an early tester.

So, we went to the hospital Wednesday morning, got the blood taken and went home to wait for results. Ah yes, the waiting. We finaly got a call from my dostor at around 2. The numbers were going down. I was having a miscarriage. My heart sank. That couldn't be possible. I loved this baby. I was planning for this baby. We were buying a house to raise this baby in. We'd already put in our down payment. This wasn't right. I had done everything the "right way." I didn't drink. I didn't smoke. I didn' t eat hot dogs or lunch meat. I was married. We were stable. Why was this happening?

And then the pain kicked in. The most physical and emotional pain I have ever felt. I called my mom sobbing. My doctor wouldn't give me any pain medication and I swear I was dying. She said she'd be over in a "minute." She was bringing over pain meds. Oh, thank god. She took forever to get to my house. She had decided to go to the store and bring me survival type things. She brought over a roast chicken, fruit, veggies, a book, etc... It was very sweet really, but I just wanted the pain to stop and I was so mad at her for taking so long. I pretty much lived in a percoset fog for 3 days.

By Friday night, the largest clots had passed and now I was just bleeding. And still raw emotionally. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't go for more than an hour without crying. I thought I would never heal. I would never feel "normal" again. I didn't even want to think about getting pregnant again.

Progressively, things got better. I was able to find people to talk to. I was able to heal. And I was able to think about getting pregnant again. And apparently, think about it is all. Because even though we got pregnant very easily last time, since then, nothing. It's been a full year of trying since the m/c and I have not gotten pregnant again. There are so many questions for me as to why that is. Was our last pregnancy a complete fluke? Is there something wrong with me? Was it always there or was it caused my the m/c? Is there something wrong with Mike? When will we be able to find out? And my period started today. So, on to cycle 14 since we started TTC. Cycle 12 since m/c. I think I'll spend the day in bed watching movies. I don't feel like moving.


shawna said...

I wish I had the answer that you ar seaching for. I will be praying for you.

Running Knitter said...

I can only say please let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Like Shawna, I'll be thinking of you and praying for you.

Amanda said...

Oh Kate. I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine how this is for you. But I'm always here if you need anything.

Michelle said...

I know when people say "I know how your feeling" when you talk about miscarriage is annoying but I truly do know how your feeling. I swear I wrote this post. I am so sorry for your loss and Im sorry you havent been able to get pregnant yet.. our experiences are alot alike. I hate that miscarriages happen, but I hate how much it messes up our bodies after it.

Thanks for your comment. How did you find my blog anyway?