One year ago today

I woke up, peed on a stick, and my whole life changed. I went from being an infertile woman, trying and trying and trying for a baby, only to have my heart broken each month, to a pregnant woman. The fears and joys that came along with the journey changed me forever. I still think about the baby we lost every night. I whisper to Bridget as I put her down "Goodnight sweet baby. You're safe and happy. The angels will watch over you and I'll see you in the morning when the sun wakes up." I picture all the sweet lost babies of friends in the PL/IF world looking in on her and making sure she's ok. Especially her little lost sibling. It brings some peace to my heart. And it makes me so thankful to have this sweet little baby in my life. I couldn't ask for anything more.

She's growing so fast!

Well, today my baby is 3 months old. It's gone by so quickly. I'm sad to see it fly by, but I'm so happy to watch her grow. It's such a strange feeling. Bridget is meeting all of her milestones at the right times. Her newest tricks are blowing spit bubbles, rolling onto her side (and occasionally rolling all the way from her tummy to her back), and gripping things. The last one being her favorite at the moment.

We went out today and got her some new toys. She can have the 3+ month toys now. Hahhaa! So we picked up a few different rattles and such so try to get her interest. Her favorite is the O Ball (I think that's what it's called). Anyways, it's light and easy to grip and she had a blast with it on the floor today. Witness the gripping!

Yes, she has wrist rattles on too. :) I told you we rattled it up today.

And of course we had to take her 3 month photos. We chose a new location this month and I think we'll take all our pictures here from now on. I like the background better and Bridget can sit up on her own against the cushions. Oh my gosh, she's sitting!



Happy 3 months baby! I'm so happy you're mine. I can't picture my life without you in it.

Three years already?

At this time three years ago, I was standing in front of a large group of friends and family vowing to spend my life with one man.  It looked like this:

And then there was a big party with lots of silliness and fun. It went something like this:

(all wedding photos by the Fabulous StudioATG. Cause they're awesome.)

Since then, three years have flown by.  Seriously, who knew time could go so fast?  And I can truly say that there have been much more happy times that sad.  Mike is the best man I could ask for.  No matter what, he's there for me.  Sure, we have our disagreements.  I would worry if we didn't (Stepford anyone?).  I love my marriage.  I love my husband.  I love the life we have created together.  Overall, I'm just so happy to be here at this point in my life.  

So now, we're off to sushi celebration dinner and to laugh at the evil stares of people thinking I'm harming the baby.  It's onward and upward (or something like that).  Can't wait to see what the future holds for us.  

It's a fabulous post #101!

Or not. I can't believe I have posted on here over 100 times! Crazy.

Anyways, sorry for the absence. I am a sucky blogger. My laptop broke. :( I am going to have a hard time updating for awhile since Mike is a computer hog.

A few quick updates -

Pregnancy:
Going well. I think just about everyone knows now. I finally got in touch with my grandmother and let her know. (Very strange story. I'll have to fill you guys in on that one soon.) She's very excited for Great-Grandchild #11. Yes - 11!

Life:
It's going. Things just keep breaking down though. Mike and I are down to one car. His truck went kaput and we just don't have the money to take it in right now. Also, as previously stated, my laptop is being a pain as well. It won't load up. I'm in such a bah humbuggy mood that out house isn't even decorated for Christmas. And every day that it's not decorated makes me even less motivated to do it. Arg!
Mike and I went to The Magical Forest this week to try to get some spirit going. It was beautiful as always but neither one of us was really feeling it.

Work:
School winter break starts this weekend. Hooray! Conferences are this week. No kids on Wednesday and very few conferences scheduled. So, here's to getting things done for when we come back from break.
Mike finally had his annual review. They agreed to give him a raise (THANK GOD) and hopefully he'll be a little happier at work now. He was feeling really underappreciated and was able to get out a few of his issues at the meeting. He said last week was a much better feeling time to be there.

I hope all is well with all of you. I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up with blogs. ((hugs)) to all who need them and HOORAYS! to those who need those, too!

It's going to be a hard day

*Warning* This is going to be a very depressing post. It will probably also be very long and convoluted. I'm writing this down as it comes to me and I'm not going to read back over to check for spelling and grammatical errors. I'm also not expecting many of you to actually read this through. But I need to get it out, otherwise it's going to completely take me over today.

At this time last year, I was still a blissfully unaware pregnant woman. I was feeling great. I had no morning sickness and the only smell that bothered me was fake cherry. I considered myslef very lucky. We had been unable to confirm dates but I was about 9 and a half weeks. I had known about the pregnancy since the day after our one year anniversary. We could not have been happier. So, I went to work on Monday morning perfectly fine.

During prep time that afternoon, I went to the bathroom and noticed brown spotting. I wasn't too worried because I had read that brown spotting was normal and I should really only worry if it continued for a days or was red. Well, when I wiped, it was red. Alarm bells started going off in my head. They were very quiet at this point though. So, I finished out the day at work and went home. The spotting had not stopped and I was feeling a little crampy. I called my doctor's office. "Well, it's probably normal but you can go to the hospital if you want. We'll leave it up to you," they said. Gee, thanks for easing my mind. So, I called my mom and told her what was going on. She said, "I'll be right over. Call Mike and tell him we're going to the hospital." OK. It was at this point that I really starting freaking out. Oh my god, what if I'm not pregnant anymore?

So, we get to the hospital, check in, and wait. And wait. And wait some more. And then wait a bit longer. Finally, my mom gets up and tells the triage nurse "My daughter is pregnant and she's bleeding. When is she going to get in?" The nurse looks totally freaked out and says "How long have you been waiting?" Oh, only about 3 hours. Turns out somehow my paperwork was "misplaced." Gee, thanks. It's not like there's a whole lot of places for it to go back there.

Then, they got me in right away. I had to get bloodwork taken, do an ultrasound, and have a pelvic exam. Ok. But if it meant that I would have a healthy baby, I was all good. Bloodwork was taken. check. Vaginal ultrasound AND normal ultrasound. check. The guy doing the ultrasound sisn't let me see the screen, which worried me. He also didn't say anything and I didn't hear a heartbeat. All very bad signs to me. When I asked him questions, he said he wasn't allowed to discuss anything and the doctor would tell me more. Ummm, ok. So, on to the pelvic exam. The girl that did my exam said that things looked ok. Just probably normal bleeding. *sigh of relief* Alright, now just go wait out in the hall and the doctor will come talk to you about your results. Ok. So we waited some more. Finally, a doctor came and told us what our blood result numbers were. All I remember thinking was "Geez, that's really high. That's got to be good." I asked him if that was normal and he said he couldn't really answer because he didn't know how far along I was. But they wanted me back in 2 days to recheck. If everything was normal, they should double. Also, according the the ultrasound, the baby was measuring 6w2d and didn't have a heartbeat but that could be normal. Apparently, it should start beating sometime around now. Ok, so no answers and more waiting. Got it.

I took the next two days off of work and sat as still as possible. I made sure to lay only my left side in bed. I drank gallons of water. I did anything that I could possibly think of to keep my baby. The bleeding got heavier anyways. Then, the day of the second blood draw, it stopped. Nothing was there when I wiped. Nothing was there when I woke up that morning. Nothing. "Good. Maybe all of this is normal. I've heard of people getting their "periods" during pregnancy and everything being fine. Maybe I'm one of those people. " Those were the thoughts running through my head. Looking back, I was in denial. There was no way that we could be 6w2d. I had known about the pregnancy for 5 weeks already. And it wasn't like I was an early tester.

So, we went to the hospital Wednesday morning, got the blood taken and went home to wait for results. Ah yes, the waiting. We finaly got a call from my dostor at around 2. The numbers were going down. I was having a miscarriage. My heart sank. That couldn't be possible. I loved this baby. I was planning for this baby. We were buying a house to raise this baby in. We'd already put in our down payment. This wasn't right. I had done everything the "right way." I didn't drink. I didn't smoke. I didn' t eat hot dogs or lunch meat. I was married. We were stable. Why was this happening?

And then the pain kicked in. The most physical and emotional pain I have ever felt. I called my mom sobbing. My doctor wouldn't give me any pain medication and I swear I was dying. She said she'd be over in a "minute." She was bringing over pain meds. Oh, thank god. She took forever to get to my house. She had decided to go to the store and bring me survival type things. She brought over a roast chicken, fruit, veggies, a book, etc... It was very sweet really, but I just wanted the pain to stop and I was so mad at her for taking so long. I pretty much lived in a percoset fog for 3 days.

By Friday night, the largest clots had passed and now I was just bleeding. And still raw emotionally. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't go for more than an hour without crying. I thought I would never heal. I would never feel "normal" again. I didn't even want to think about getting pregnant again.

Progressively, things got better. I was able to find people to talk to. I was able to heal. And I was able to think about getting pregnant again. And apparently, think about it is all. Because even though we got pregnant very easily last time, since then, nothing. It's been a full year of trying since the m/c and I have not gotten pregnant again. There are so many questions for me as to why that is. Was our last pregnancy a complete fluke? Is there something wrong with me? Was it always there or was it caused my the m/c? Is there something wrong with Mike? When will we be able to find out? And my period started today. So, on to cycle 14 since we started TTC. Cycle 12 since m/c. I think I'll spend the day in bed watching movies. I don't feel like moving.