One year ago today

I woke up, peed on a stick, and my whole life changed. I went from being an infertile woman, trying and trying and trying for a baby, only to have my heart broken each month, to a pregnant woman. The fears and joys that came along with the journey changed me forever. I still think about the baby we lost every night. I whisper to Bridget as I put her down "Goodnight sweet baby. You're safe and happy. The angels will watch over you and I'll see you in the morning when the sun wakes up." I picture all the sweet lost babies of friends in the PL/IF world looking in on her and making sure she's ok. Especially her little lost sibling. It brings some peace to my heart. And it makes me so thankful to have this sweet little baby in my life. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Is it strange to feel this way?

This post has been floating around in my head for quite awhile, but after recent events and reading this post by JackiTiger (who also made my common thread bracelet for me), I feel that it need to be written down.

I can't help but feel like I'm a faker.  Yes, I'm pregnant and I accept this (most days).  But in my head, I'm still suffering through IF.  It's so strange.  I feel the baby moving around.  We had an u/s on Friday and everything looks good (She's measuring right on track with 150bpm heartbeat and my blood pressure was finally down as well).  And I could not be happier about all of this.  But when I go out, I find myself being self conscious of my belly.  I love it and stare in fascination when I'm at home, but out and about, I wonder who I'm hurting with it.  Not physically, but emotionally.  

I know that there were days when we were struggling to conceive that it just about killed me to walk into stores and see the bellies.  I know there are other IFers out there who still suffer with this.  Target was often the worst and some days I would actually avoid shopping there, even though I really needed to, just to save myself the emotional drain. You other TTTCers know what I'm talking about, right?

Mike and I were out "shopping" (really, just wandering around in shops) all day Saturday and there must have been at least six visibly pregnant women in every store.  I swear that there must have been some pregnant water going around because there are pregnant women EVERYWHERE!  I actually turned to Mike and said, "If we were still TTC, today would have been a day I would have gone home and cried."  He looked at me like I had three heads.  I had to explain the frustration and anger that I sometimes felt.  And days when there were pregnant women all over the place were the worst.

The whole ordeal stressed me out.  I kept wondering if any of the other women I saw had struggled.  Were there any women I was passing by that were on the verge of tears and praying that they could just leave the store as soon as possible because of my belly?  I wish there was some way to say, "We struggled for this baby.  18 months of perfectly timed everything and monitors and drugs and one miscarriage before we got here.  Please know you're not alone.  Talk to me."  I mean, I have my common thread bracelet but only some people know about that.   And I've never seen anyone else wearing one.

So, in an open letter to all of you women I pass throughout this pregnancy (and into the time I'm holding a baby in my arms), I love my baby and I hope that somehow, you will know that I'm thinking of all of you in your struggles. I'm praying that soon, I'll pass you in a store and smile at your growing belly.  I hope that one day, we'll all be able to lift this weight that IF places on our shoulders and move past the frustration and anger we sometimes feel.  I'm thinking of you and sending you strength.

cd17

still nothing but "low." damn infertility. stupid cbefm for making sure it's fresh in my head every day.

Let's get going here

Seriously, my cycle needs a swift kick in the rear. Or maybe the CBEFM is finally working right. It's cd14 and I'm still low. Usually I've been peeing on sticks for days at this point and have had highs since about cd11. Now, nothing. Peeing on the stciks with no results. Maybe this month it will really pick up the complete lack of ovulation. I think the past few months it just couldn't believe that I didn't ovulate and was giving me pity highs. I can almost hear it saying, "Well sweetie, you *should* be getting highs, so we'll show you what they look like. Unfortunately, we can't fake a peak for you."

So, we'll see what happens tomorrow. Maybe talking about it will get my body to realize, "Oh yeah! That dang ovulation thing. We should get on that."

Because I'm neurotic

I peed on a frickin stick today. Before anyone goes and gets excited, it was completely and totally white in that all important test section. Just one lonely little control line. And I knew it would be. Hello, it's cd11. "Then Kate," you might be saying, "why in the world did you pee on a stick? Don't you know those things aren't cheap?" And even if you're not saying those things, I am.

Here's the thing. For the first time in, well, ever, I didn't really have a period. It was more 2 days of medium to light spotting and it was gone. No cramps (which if you know me is extremely rare). So my brain has just been on high alert, waiting for FP (frickin period) to ACTUALLY come and it hasn't. Therefore, being the complete and utter whacko infertile that I am, I thought, "Well, maybe, just MAYBE, that was implantation spotting."

Nevermind the fact that according to the CBEFM I haven't ovulated in two months. Nevermind the fact that sex has been the absolute last thing on my mind lately, and so has been pretty much non-existant. "Yes," I say to myself, "but what if the CBEFM is wrong? And what if that one time was just right?" And that is why that stupid, niggling, "Could I be pregnant?" thought has been in the back of my mind for over a week now. That is why I HAD to test to make sure. I just couldn't handle it anymore. It was a true NEED people. I was slowly going insane (well, more insane I guess. Because, obviously, I was already there). And now I know. B.F.N.

Waaaah!!!!!!!

Topic one: Summer is officially over for me. Meetings at school start today. Open house is 4:00 on Friday. (That means my classroom has to be set up by then. *gasp* I'll have to take pictures and post where it's starting today. Believe me, I have a long way to go.) Then the kiddos come back on Monday. I'm having mild panic and anxiety attacks. I know they're gonna get so much worse throughout the next few days. *deep breaths* I'll be ok.

Topic two: I didn't need to worry about going on the trip. I didn't ovulate. That's 3 months of no ovulation according to the CBEFM. I must say, I'm worried. I want to call the doctor and see if the provera could be causing it. I doubt he would have me on anything that would prevent ovulation, but maybe it's forcing me to have a period before my hormones can get themselves back in check? I truly have no idea and am pulling things out of my head that probably have no basis whatsoever in medical science, but these are my worries. I'm thinking about not taking the provera next month and seeing what happens.
Oh, and I still need to schedule the HSG. Ugh. I'm not looking forward to that. It's going to have to wait until October anyways because this coming cycle is going to be way to close to the beginning of school for me to take time off. We'll see what happens.

Topic three: Much more positively, I have completed 3 and a half of the things on my 101 list.
#48. Change my name with the school district. A huge ordeal that took 3 days. Still, it's done!
#49. Renew my teaching license. Induced a mild panic attack when I lost my cashier's check between my car and the office. Luckily, someone was looking out for me that day and a woman in the office was able to spot the envelope laying in the street. Hooray! So, another crisis avoided and another thing off the list.
#87. See a movie in IMAX. Mike and I went and saw the new Batman movie a few weekends ago. If you havent seen it yet, I definitely recommend it. We loved it!
Now, for the half.
#101. Have a class pet. I will have a pet this year. It will be a beta fish. A friend of mine is moving back to Michigan and asked if I would take her fish. Of course! Yaaay! Now, I have a pet and I don't even have to spend any money. She moves in 14 days (*sad*) and then, I will have a new fishy for the classroom. So the kids won't start with a pet, but we'll have one in a few weeks. So I say I'm "half" done, but maybe the more accurate would be "in progress."

Do any of you have 101 lists? What did you get accomplished this summer (whether on a list or not)?

I'm back

And I kept all of my clothes on. Just had my blood pressure taken. And my blood pressure was high. What?! My blood pressure is never high. Just goes to show you how friggin stressed I've been for the past few days. When the doctor came in, he talked to me about the results and the next steps to take.

He does think I have PCOS. He says it's a tough diagnosis to really pinpoint because there are so many symptoms that you could have that could mean that you have it (or don't). He's going to treat me for it though because all signs point to it and the treatment for it is what should help me anyways.

He prescribed Metformin to help handle the high insulin levels. I'm ready and kinda excited about this one.This should hopefully help with other issues I've been having as well (weight gain and acne specifically). ::fingers crossed:: My friend Sarah called it "the pretty pill." ;) We shall see.

He also wants to put me on Clomid. This scares the crap out of me. Good thing though that there's things that have to be done before the Clomid is started. I have to get an HSG done to check and make sure everything is clear in my tubes and ovaries. And Mike has to have his sperm analyzed to make sure all the little swimmers are good to go. I pretty sure they're fine since we did manage to get pregnant once before, but it's good to know for sure. And I shouldn't have to be the only one to get things analyzed.

My plan is to try the Metformin (and still Provera) for three months and see what happens. If nothing's different after that, then we'll move ahead with the monitored Clomid cycle.

Taking many deep breaths and jumping in to the world of infertility.

And the answer is....

My insulin levels actually were high. I'm shocked. Truly.

I have an appointment to talk to the doctor about the next course of action. On Thursday. As in, THIS Thursday. Like, two days from now. It's amazing to me that the first appointment I could get when I said I couldn't get pregnant was a month and a half wait, then another three months of "try this and see what happens". Now, suddenly they can get me in immediately. Mind you, I'm not complaining about me getting in so quickly this time. But why couldn't we get to this point 5 months ago?

Results?

I FINALLY heard back from the doctor's office about the bloodwork I had done on the 3rd (yes, the 3rd! It's now the 16th).

Good side: All levels that were tested were normal. I asked what this entailed and was told testosterone, lh, choleterol, glucose, estrogen, etc...

Bad side: for some godforsaken reason, they didn't test my insulin which was apparently what the doctor really wanted to know about. It's why it had to be fasting levels. Arg!!!! So, I'm going back tomorrow to get the stupid insulin test.

Apparently, doctor thinks I might have PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). After looking it up, I say there's no way. Yes, I have a lot of the outward symptoms (overweight, anovulatory cycles, acne), but I have hardly any of the actual effects (high testosterone, extra body hair, hair loss, high glucose, high blood pressure, elevated cholestorol). So, I'll be very interested to see what he says when these results come back.

Do any of you out there have PCOS and can share your experiences? How did the doctor determine you had it? What treatments did they prescribe?

Right now, I'm so lost and confused. And I'm not looking forward to another insanely long wait to hear results. And, it seems like this is what the doctor is leaning toward and I wonder what he'll do if the results don't tell him what he wants to "hear." What else could be wrong?

Oh, and in CBEFMland, we're on cd22 - still frickin' highs with no end in sight. AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!

A Common Thread

It's something that every "infertile" person deals with. Seeing or talking to a pregnant person. With their cute little belly and their whining about all of the things that go along with pregnancy. But some of those people, statistically, must have had some problems getting pregnant. Right? Miscarriage(s), medications, years of trying, etc...

Thinking along these lines, Mel and her crew at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters came up with wonderful idea for an infertility "secret handshake" so that we could identify and be happy for one another. (Not that I'm not happy for all of the easily pregnant women out there. I would never wish for those who breeze through baby making to deal with the pain some of us deal with. It just stings when they're so whiney and condecending toward me.) Here's a copy/paste from Mel's Blog about the Common Thread Bracelet.

For anyone who has experienced infertility or who is currently experiencing infertility. For anyone who has suffered through pregnancy loss. For those who have conceived naturally, utilized treatments, adopted, used third-party reproduction, or chose to live child-free: a movement.

It all began when Paz lamented that there should be a secret handshake for those who have experienced or are currently experiencing infertility. She was finally pregnant after multiple miscarriages and she wanted infertile women to know when looking at her pregnant belly that she was one of them still--in heart and mind. She was open to questions and to passing along any information she had obtained along the way.This led to a lengthy discussion about a signal we could give one another as well as a tangible object that would invite questions and subsequently discussion about infertility. The conversation jumped from idea to idea--a pomegranate-shaped charm, a Livestrong-esque bracelet--until it finally settled on a simple thread.

With the idea being that it was an item that was easy to obtain no matter where you lived. It posed a minimal cost. It could be ornamented or braided any way the wearer chose. It could be sent through the mail. It was simple. It was discreet. We picked the embroidery floss #814 because it was the colour of pomegranates. Which was one of the fertility symbols considered along the way.

Royalyne stepped forward and got the ball rolling with a write up that we tweaked until it became this statement:

Pomegranates, a longstanding symbol of fertility, serve as a strong analogy to those suffering through infertility. Though each pomegranate skin is unique in colour and texture, the seeds inside are remarkably similar from fruit to fruit. Though our diagnosis is unique—endometriosis, low sperm count, luteal phase defect, or causes unknown—the emotions, those seeds on the inside, are the same from person to person. Infertility creates frustration, anger, depression, guilt, and loneliness. Compounding these emotions is the shame that drives people suffering from infertility to retreat into silence.

In addition, the seeds represent the multitude of ways one can build their family: natural conception, treatments, adoption, third-party reproduction, or even choosing to live child-free.The pomegranate thread holds a two-fold purpose: to identify and create community between those experiencing infertility as well as create a starting point for a conversation. Women pregnant through A.R.T., families created through adoption, or couples trying to conceive during infertility can wear the thread, identifying themselves to others in this silent community. At the same time, the string serves as a gateway to conversations about infertility when people inquire about its purpose. These conversations are imperative if we are ever to remove the social stigma attached to infertility.Tie on the thread because you’re not alone. Wear to make aware.

Join us in starting this conversation about infertility by purchasing this pomegranate-coloured thread (#814 by DMC) at any craft, knitting, or variety store such as Walmart or Target. Tie it on your right wrist. Notice it on others.

So, I got my bracelet today. My friend Jacki (yet another person I have met throughout this struggle) made it and sent it to me. I immediately tied it on and am hoping to start noticing it on others as well. Thanks Jacki.

cd18=CBEFM still high. Can we just get this show on the road already?!