Happy Birthday to me!!!!

Look what I got this morning.

*dances around the house* Yaaaay! Welcome back little eggy!!

woohoo!

cd18=high! come on peak!

cd17

still nothing but "low." damn infertility. stupid cbefm for making sure it's fresh in my head every day.

Let's get going here

Seriously, my cycle needs a swift kick in the rear. Or maybe the CBEFM is finally working right. It's cd14 and I'm still low. Usually I've been peeing on sticks for days at this point and have had highs since about cd11. Now, nothing. Peeing on the stciks with no results. Maybe this month it will really pick up the complete lack of ovulation. I think the past few months it just couldn't believe that I didn't ovulate and was giving me pity highs. I can almost hear it saying, "Well sweetie, you *should* be getting highs, so we'll show you what they look like. Unfortunately, we can't fake a peak for you."

So, we'll see what happens tomorrow. Maybe talking about it will get my body to realize, "Oh yeah! That dang ovulation thing. We should get on that."

It's only day 4?!

This Metformin is really screwing with me. The side effects. I don't like them. I have to go to the bathroom. A lot. I'm losing my appetite, but I'm supposed to eat three meals a day. I'm not particularly thirsty, but I have to make sure I stay hydrated. I'm having crazy mood swings. I get sleepy every day between 5 and 6 p.m. I have had headaches every night. I'm hoping that my body will adjust to all of this in a week. I've been taking it for four days. I'm hoping that by Friday, things will have settled down a bit. ::fingers crossed:: Did any of you have these side effects? Others that I haven't had the joy of experiencing? Did they ever go away? (please say yes)

Not much else to report in fertility news. It's cd11 and I'm at low on the CBEFM. Not a shock. I just really hope that I actually ovulate this month. It would be a nice change for my body to function the way it's supposed to.

Results?

I FINALLY heard back from the doctor's office about the bloodwork I had done on the 3rd (yes, the 3rd! It's now the 16th).

Good side: All levels that were tested were normal. I asked what this entailed and was told testosterone, lh, choleterol, glucose, estrogen, etc...

Bad side: for some godforsaken reason, they didn't test my insulin which was apparently what the doctor really wanted to know about. It's why it had to be fasting levels. Arg!!!! So, I'm going back tomorrow to get the stupid insulin test.

Apparently, doctor thinks I might have PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). After looking it up, I say there's no way. Yes, I have a lot of the outward symptoms (overweight, anovulatory cycles, acne), but I have hardly any of the actual effects (high testosterone, extra body hair, hair loss, high glucose, high blood pressure, elevated cholestorol). So, I'll be very interested to see what he says when these results come back.

Do any of you out there have PCOS and can share your experiences? How did the doctor determine you had it? What treatments did they prescribe?

Right now, I'm so lost and confused. And I'm not looking forward to another insanely long wait to hear results. And, it seems like this is what the doctor is leaning toward and I wonder what he'll do if the results don't tell him what he wants to "hear." What else could be wrong?

Oh, and in CBEFMland, we're on cd22 - still frickin' highs with no end in sight. AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!

A Common Thread

It's something that every "infertile" person deals with. Seeing or talking to a pregnant person. With their cute little belly and their whining about all of the things that go along with pregnancy. But some of those people, statistically, must have had some problems getting pregnant. Right? Miscarriage(s), medications, years of trying, etc...

Thinking along these lines, Mel and her crew at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters came up with wonderful idea for an infertility "secret handshake" so that we could identify and be happy for one another. (Not that I'm not happy for all of the easily pregnant women out there. I would never wish for those who breeze through baby making to deal with the pain some of us deal with. It just stings when they're so whiney and condecending toward me.) Here's a copy/paste from Mel's Blog about the Common Thread Bracelet.

For anyone who has experienced infertility or who is currently experiencing infertility. For anyone who has suffered through pregnancy loss. For those who have conceived naturally, utilized treatments, adopted, used third-party reproduction, or chose to live child-free: a movement.

It all began when Paz lamented that there should be a secret handshake for those who have experienced or are currently experiencing infertility. She was finally pregnant after multiple miscarriages and she wanted infertile women to know when looking at her pregnant belly that she was one of them still--in heart and mind. She was open to questions and to passing along any information she had obtained along the way.This led to a lengthy discussion about a signal we could give one another as well as a tangible object that would invite questions and subsequently discussion about infertility. The conversation jumped from idea to idea--a pomegranate-shaped charm, a Livestrong-esque bracelet--until it finally settled on a simple thread.

With the idea being that it was an item that was easy to obtain no matter where you lived. It posed a minimal cost. It could be ornamented or braided any way the wearer chose. It could be sent through the mail. It was simple. It was discreet. We picked the embroidery floss #814 because it was the colour of pomegranates. Which was one of the fertility symbols considered along the way.

Royalyne stepped forward and got the ball rolling with a write up that we tweaked until it became this statement:

Pomegranates, a longstanding symbol of fertility, serve as a strong analogy to those suffering through infertility. Though each pomegranate skin is unique in colour and texture, the seeds inside are remarkably similar from fruit to fruit. Though our diagnosis is unique—endometriosis, low sperm count, luteal phase defect, or causes unknown—the emotions, those seeds on the inside, are the same from person to person. Infertility creates frustration, anger, depression, guilt, and loneliness. Compounding these emotions is the shame that drives people suffering from infertility to retreat into silence.

In addition, the seeds represent the multitude of ways one can build their family: natural conception, treatments, adoption, third-party reproduction, or even choosing to live child-free.The pomegranate thread holds a two-fold purpose: to identify and create community between those experiencing infertility as well as create a starting point for a conversation. Women pregnant through A.R.T., families created through adoption, or couples trying to conceive during infertility can wear the thread, identifying themselves to others in this silent community. At the same time, the string serves as a gateway to conversations about infertility when people inquire about its purpose. These conversations are imperative if we are ever to remove the social stigma attached to infertility.Tie on the thread because you’re not alone. Wear to make aware.

Join us in starting this conversation about infertility by purchasing this pomegranate-coloured thread (#814 by DMC) at any craft, knitting, or variety store such as Walmart or Target. Tie it on your right wrist. Notice it on others.

So, I got my bracelet today. My friend Jacki (yet another person I have met throughout this struggle) made it and sent it to me. I immediately tied it on and am hoping to start noticing it on others as well. Thanks Jacki.

cd18=CBEFM still high. Can we just get this show on the road already?!

Because you know how I love lists

I stole this list from a friend's blog. She said to share. So here I am. Sharing. ;)

The average adult has read only 6 of the following books! So here’s the list.

The books I have read are in color; the italicized ones I have started but never finished (gee, that's a lot of books). Pass it on!!! :)

1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. The Bible (really, has anyone truly READ this from cover to cover?)
7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. Little Women - Louisa May Alcott
12. Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare (I've read a lot of them, but I don't like the histories)
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier (ugh. HATED this book)
16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19. The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot
21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25. The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34. Emma - Jane Austen
35. Persuasion - Jane Austen
36. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
37. Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
38. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
39. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
40. Animal Farm - George Orwell
41. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
42. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
43. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
44. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
45. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
46. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
47. The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
48. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
49. Atonement - Ian McEwan
50. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
51. Dune - Frank Herbert
52. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
53. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
54. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
55. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
56. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
57. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
58. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
59. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
60. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
61. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
62. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
63. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
64. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
65. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
66. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
67. Bridget Jones’ Diary - Helen Fielding
68. Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
69. Moby Dick - Herman Melville
70. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
71. Dracula - Bram Stoker
72. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
73. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
74. Ulysses - James Joyce (I don't think it's possible to finish this book. Unless you're looking to rebuild Dublin)
75. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
76. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
77. Germinal - Emile Zola
78. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
79. Possession - AS Byatt
80. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
81. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
82. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
83. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
84. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
85. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
86. Charlotte’s Web - EB White
87. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
88. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
89. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
90. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
91. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
92. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
93. Watership Down - Richard Adams
94. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
95. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
96. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
97. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
98. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Hey, I'm above average! 24's not too bad. I think with all the ones I started, they could count as a few more. And the Harry Potter series is really seven books. So, my tally is higher. Haha!

What about you? I know Duck is going to blow me out of the water on this one. I suppose it's allowed when you're getting a masters in English Lit or whatever. ;)

And in case anyone is keeping tabs, cd14=high on CBEFM and my results are not back in from the lab yet. The nurse just called me back and said I'd have to wait until FRIDAY!!! and then she'd call me with the results. Can I just state for the record that I am not a patient person? Well, even if you said no, I'm stating it. I am not a patient person!

Must.Get.Moving!

Alright, as soon as this post is over, I'm getting up and getting moving. I think that the cycle has gone too far. I'm not getting anything done because I"m depressed and I'm depressed because I'm not getting anything done. It's been 4 days of me doing absolutely NOTHING productive. So, today I will. List of things to do(because those that know me know I LOVE lists):

• blood work (ugh)
• return books to library (not done because I decided to recheck them out and actually make some of the recipes)
• go to school and get keys - possibly go to room and put things away (highly unlikely)
• call Jules and offer sushi for lunch
• go to Target (if everything else on the list is done, get a new shirt for the 4th) - They didn't have any shirts for the 4th, so I got a new kitchen rug instead. ;)
• load dishwasher (very important as it feels like almost every cup I own is sitting on the coffee table in my loft)

Edit: Everything in italics I finished. I even got in and got my brows waxed. Yaaay!! I'll get to the dishwasher tonight. Mike called and said he wanted to go to a movie tonight and he'll do the dishes when we get home. Even more Yaaaaaayyy!!! I'm feeling very accomplished and should be able to get my bloodwork results next week.

Edit again: Mike came home early and immediately did all the dishes and loaded the dishwasher! Yippie Chi ;) Now on to the movies...

In fertility news, it is cd9 (cycle day 9) and so far, everything's normal. I had a regular 4 day period (although is was very light) and the CBEFM has asked for sticks the past 3 days. All "low" which is good. Hopefully I'll start getting highs on cd11 or so and my peaks on cd14ish. That would be great. Alas, as Mike points out, "Honey, your body just doesn't work like that." *sigh* I know.

Monday Mayhem

Alright, so not really mayhem but it sounds so cool.


My weekend was pretty good. Here's the rundown.


Jules' party was Saturday. I've been looking forward to it for a month now. It was a "Pimps n' Hos" party and while I don't like the terminology, the theatre part of my brain said "yippie!!! Costumes!!!!!" and sent me shopping. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to be a pimp or a ho but I knew I had a pinstriped jacket that needed to be worn. I figured with a fedora, I'd be good to go. In the end, I ended up buying an almost entirely new outfit and I think it came out well. What do you think?



That's me on the right and my friend Veela on the left. I loved my fedora so much. :) It was really nice to get out and laugh with friends. So glad that I was not at all worried about being pregnant. Mike and I both had a blast.


Sunday, Mike and I went to the library and picked up the next few episodes of Bleach which we've both really gotten into. I have never been a big anime fan but I'll often try to watch it with Mike because he's been collecting and watching anime since he was in high school. The extent of my anime experience in high school was Sailor Moon, which makes Mike roll his eyes. Haha. Anyways, so we got the episodes and sat and relaxed on the couch together for the afternoon.

I also finished The Time Traveler's Wife and can now say that it was a very good story. I laughed and cried. FYI to those dealing with infertility or losses: the book deals with both and if your loss is still new, hold off on this book.

Speaking of infertility, I started spotting today AND finally got a low on the CBEFM. YAHOO!!!!!!! So, hopefully everything starts soon and we can move forward. I can call the doctor and make an appointment to make a new plan if we don't get pg this month. So, win-win either way. Either I'm pregnant or we can actually get some help from the doctor and not another "well, you're young. it'll happen" or "you got pregnant before. give it another 3 months and then talk to me."

So, all in all, it's been a really good past few days.

Yaaay for accomplishments

I feeling quite happy right now. I think I accomplished just about everything on my list. Actually, I haven't done the bathrooms, but I did more than was on my list so I don't feel bad. I'll hit the bathrooms tomorrow. And the loft still needs to be dusted (ugh) but that's not too bad. I can get everything done in about and hour tomorrow and then I'll spend he rest of the day reading. Yaaay!! So thank you blogland, for keeping me on track to get off my ass and get some work done.

One of the things I did yeaterday was going to the library. I got myself a few book that I've been wanting to read. I started The Time Traveler's Wife last night and it seems like it's going to be a fast read. I'm already very interested in where it's going. I also picked up a book that I keep hearing mentioned, Eat, Pray, Love. Reading the back it's not one that I would normally pick up but I've heard really good things about it. So why not give it a shot? I'm still reading Innocent Traitor which I'm forcing myself to finish. I've been puttering through it for what seems like forever. I've always been very interested in the whole King Henry VIII time period up through Elizabeth I's reign. So, I guess I just know too much about the historical time period it take place in and so there's no tension to the story for me. Blah.

Let's see, anything else? Oh, yeah, CBEFM.....still only high. I'm going to have to buy a whole new box of test stick if I don't get a peak tomorrow. I've only got 4 left. Stupid, stupid body. Isn't the Provera supposed to help this along?

Accountability

Need a place to waste some time and do something good for yourself and others? Go here.

In case you can't tell, I'm procrastinating again today. It's past 11:30 and I still haven't gotten dressed. Blah. I have got to break out of this cycle.

So, here's the list of things I want to get done. Maybe if I post it here and make myself accountable for it, I'll actually do something.

1. get dressed
2. take shower
3. go to store to get quiche ingredients
4. run dishwasher
5. wipe down kitchen
6. sweep/swiffer kitchen and bathrooms
7. laundry
8. pick up loft
9. vacuum (maybe leave this for mike :))

Alright, let's see what I can get done today. Thanks internet for keeping me on task.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, cd21 and CBEFM still says only high. At this rate, if I get a peak we may as well TTC since the party won't even be an issue.

Nothing

There is really nothing for me to blog about today. My life has gotten incredibly boring now that I don't have to go to work every day. I have these great plans for things I want to get done, but I keep pushing them back. I keep thinking "eh, I can get to it tomorrow." And then I don't. Hence the plight of procrastinors everywhere.



CBEFM still gave me a high this morning. I am starting to despise that thing. Even though I suppose it's not the CBEFM's fault. Don't shoot the messenger Kate.



A lot of girls that I "know" from the internet are getting pregnant. While I'm happy for them because most have struggled TTC, it hurts in a very selfish way. I think "I've been trying longer than you. That should be my BFP (big fat positive - pregnancy test)." I know that this is a struggle for all "infertile" women from time to time. (I still have a hard time thinking of myself as "infertile" because I did get pregnant once. Pretty easily too. But now it's been a year of truly trying and we have gotten nothing.) Ah well, this too shall pass.

Stupid, stupid body

Alright, so I guess it's a good thing we're TTA (trying to avoid) this month. I've been using my CBEFM to check for ovulation and I've been getting highs since cd9. It's now cd19!!! COME ON!!! Usually I have 3-4 days of highs and then my peaks. WTH is up with this 10 days of highs? Annovulatory cycle? Effect of the Provera (yes, I am taking it again this month)? Anyone know?