She's gone

Still no Sophie. She must have snuck out last night as Mike came in the door. We've searched high and low in the house and haven't seen anything. So tonight we made posters and hung them up. I asked neighbors to keep an eye out. We're going to call the pound tomorrow just to cover all bases. We put food and water out front in hopes that she'll find her way back to us. Please keep us in your thoughts and hope for the best. I know it may seem silly to some, but she's part of our family and she's missing. Mike and I are both depressed and struggling with this. I've never had a pet go missing and I'm so upset even at the thought of not having her here anymore.

I think I'm losing it

Help. I can't stop screaming inside. I was feeling so positive the first few days.
I've been taking a test every morning just to make sure they're still showing up positive. I have had cramping non-stop but was dismissing it because it's really not that bad. Just constant.
The test I took yesterday showed a positive line. I watched the pee go across the stick and set off the line. I thought, "Yaaay! It's strong enough that I don't even need to wait for the 3 minutes." When I went back to look at the test later in the day, the line as gone. WTF?! Gone. Nada. White as snow.
So I, of course, jump online to find out if this is normal. No. No it's not. And according to some places, a disappearing positive should be considered a negative. Negative? But I have two postives from previous days? How can I have a disappearing positive/negative result now?
Of course, now I'm starting to lose it mentally. I'm rationalizing all sorts of things. Every feeling under the sun is running through me. Then I realize that I'm out of tests. I can't test in the morning. I need to get more tests.
Mike and I run to the store and I grab some FRER's and some digitals. They are the two most reliable tests I know. Mike asks why I'm getting both. I answer that I need them for peace of mind. He rolls his eyes, starts to say something, then stops. He mutters something which I choose to ignore and we pay and check out. Now for the waiting. I have to wait until tomorrow morning to pee on these stupid things.
It is now morning. I peed on a FRER. Had to wait the full 3 minutes and got a VERY faint positive. My period is officially 1 day late and I feel that the line should be much darker as there should be plenty of that stupid hormone in my body if all is going well. So far, the progression of tests has been:
Thursday: faint but definitely visible positive.
Friday: Definite positive. Stronger and darker than Thursday.
Saturday: Disappearing positive.
Sunday: Test on FRER VERY faint positive.
I have a sinking feeling that AF (I think I like Duck's term "absurd f*er") will show later today or tomorrow during school. If tomorrow's test is negative, I don't know what I'll do. Seriously, I'm losing it now. I'm trying to maintain hope, but it's really hard when all signs are pointing to a chemical pregnancy.
And Mike has pretty much written this off. He saying things like, "well, we know it can happen" and "we'll get it next month", or "at least it happened early." WTF?! I know that guys don't get attached like women, but still. I am pregnant today and I might not be tomorrow. That hurts. And I'm scared that this was yet another fluke. Is it going to take us another 15 months to get pregnant again? I don't know that I can handle that. And will they now start the clock all over again for treatment? They want a year between pregancies. Will they count this? I have so many questions and no one to turn to to ask.
Does anyone have any advice other than, "try not to worry" or "it's not over til af shows?" I'm so, so scared you guys and I don't know what to do. Help.

(btw, I apologize for any spelling or grammar errors. I'm not reading back over this before I post)

cd17

still nothing but "low." damn infertility. stupid cbefm for making sure it's fresh in my head every day.

Must.Get.Moving!

Alright, as soon as this post is over, I'm getting up and getting moving. I think that the cycle has gone too far. I'm not getting anything done because I"m depressed and I'm depressed because I'm not getting anything done. It's been 4 days of me doing absolutely NOTHING productive. So, today I will. List of things to do(because those that know me know I LOVE lists):

• blood work (ugh)
• return books to library (not done because I decided to recheck them out and actually make some of the recipes)
• go to school and get keys - possibly go to room and put things away (highly unlikely)
• call Jules and offer sushi for lunch
• go to Target (if everything else on the list is done, get a new shirt for the 4th) - They didn't have any shirts for the 4th, so I got a new kitchen rug instead. ;)
• load dishwasher (very important as it feels like almost every cup I own is sitting on the coffee table in my loft)

Edit: Everything in italics I finished. I even got in and got my brows waxed. Yaaay!! I'll get to the dishwasher tonight. Mike called and said he wanted to go to a movie tonight and he'll do the dishes when we get home. Even more Yaaaaaayyy!!! I'm feeling very accomplished and should be able to get my bloodwork results next week.

Edit again: Mike came home early and immediately did all the dishes and loaded the dishwasher! Yippie Chi ;) Now on to the movies...

In fertility news, it is cd9 (cycle day 9) and so far, everything's normal. I had a regular 4 day period (although is was very light) and the CBEFM has asked for sticks the past 3 days. All "low" which is good. Hopefully I'll start getting highs on cd11 or so and my peaks on cd14ish. That would be great. Alas, as Mike points out, "Honey, your body just doesn't work like that." *sigh* I know.

The good, the bad, and the ugly

The good: My friend Shawna got these
yesterday. She and her husband have had a struggle to get this and I really hope for the best and her little babies ('cause there's the possibility of THREE in there!) Congrats girl!



The bad: I still have not gone to get the bloodwork done that the dr wanted me to get 2 months ago. I used the excuse that I would just wait until school was out. Well, now school's been out for 3 weeks and I still haven't gone. No really good reason why. It's supposed to be fasting bloodwork which means I need to go in the morning. Ugh. Not my idea of a good start to the day. I hate needles and I pass out when giving blood even on a very settled tummy. The thought of going in and having them stick me without any food in my stomach makes me dizzy. I was determined to go today. Well, here I sit at 11:53 and I have not gone. I have not eaten either. So I suppose I could still go, But we all know that's not going to happen. :P Here's to me actually getting it done tomorrow. I have a book club meeting at 10:00a.m., so I have to be up anyways. Maybe I'll go get the tests done first, then treat myself to a really good breakfast at Panera or something on my way to book club.


The ugly: My attitude. My brain function. My horrible, horrible jealously and sense of entitlement. I seriously hate myself right now but I just can't make it stop. Explanation:
I logged on to myspace this morning and found an update from a friend from high school - "I'M GONNA BE A DADDY" along with a bulletin and a full update. A quote from the bulletin: I'm gonna be a Daddy! Not a suga daddy, or a pimp daddy, but a bonafide genuine real life Big Pappa! (That's right, go procreation! I have swimmers!) Ugh! Now,this friend got married in January and now has a 12 week pregnant wife. I know that somewhere in my mind, I'm happy for him. And I truly do wish her a happy and healthy 9 months. But why them? Why not us? as if the fact that I've been trying to get pregnant for over a year somehow makes me DESERVE to have a baby ahead of other people who want babies. I know that's not how it works. And I know there are people out there who have been trying for FAR longer than me. But obviously they had no problems getting pregnant. We didn't the first time either but then we lost our baby. Will we ever be able to get pregnant again? Will we lose it again? I just hate that these thoughts even go through my head. I need to get out of the house and away from the computer. Otherwise this horrible spiral of depression and self-loathing will continue.

How do I get over this?!

It's going to be a hard day

*Warning* This is going to be a very depressing post. It will probably also be very long and convoluted. I'm writing this down as it comes to me and I'm not going to read back over to check for spelling and grammatical errors. I'm also not expecting many of you to actually read this through. But I need to get it out, otherwise it's going to completely take me over today.

At this time last year, I was still a blissfully unaware pregnant woman. I was feeling great. I had no morning sickness and the only smell that bothered me was fake cherry. I considered myslef very lucky. We had been unable to confirm dates but I was about 9 and a half weeks. I had known about the pregnancy since the day after our one year anniversary. We could not have been happier. So, I went to work on Monday morning perfectly fine.

During prep time that afternoon, I went to the bathroom and noticed brown spotting. I wasn't too worried because I had read that brown spotting was normal and I should really only worry if it continued for a days or was red. Well, when I wiped, it was red. Alarm bells started going off in my head. They were very quiet at this point though. So, I finished out the day at work and went home. The spotting had not stopped and I was feeling a little crampy. I called my doctor's office. "Well, it's probably normal but you can go to the hospital if you want. We'll leave it up to you," they said. Gee, thanks for easing my mind. So, I called my mom and told her what was going on. She said, "I'll be right over. Call Mike and tell him we're going to the hospital." OK. It was at this point that I really starting freaking out. Oh my god, what if I'm not pregnant anymore?

So, we get to the hospital, check in, and wait. And wait. And wait some more. And then wait a bit longer. Finally, my mom gets up and tells the triage nurse "My daughter is pregnant and she's bleeding. When is she going to get in?" The nurse looks totally freaked out and says "How long have you been waiting?" Oh, only about 3 hours. Turns out somehow my paperwork was "misplaced." Gee, thanks. It's not like there's a whole lot of places for it to go back there.

Then, they got me in right away. I had to get bloodwork taken, do an ultrasound, and have a pelvic exam. Ok. But if it meant that I would have a healthy baby, I was all good. Bloodwork was taken. check. Vaginal ultrasound AND normal ultrasound. check. The guy doing the ultrasound sisn't let me see the screen, which worried me. He also didn't say anything and I didn't hear a heartbeat. All very bad signs to me. When I asked him questions, he said he wasn't allowed to discuss anything and the doctor would tell me more. Ummm, ok. So, on to the pelvic exam. The girl that did my exam said that things looked ok. Just probably normal bleeding. *sigh of relief* Alright, now just go wait out in the hall and the doctor will come talk to you about your results. Ok. So we waited some more. Finally, a doctor came and told us what our blood result numbers were. All I remember thinking was "Geez, that's really high. That's got to be good." I asked him if that was normal and he said he couldn't really answer because he didn't know how far along I was. But they wanted me back in 2 days to recheck. If everything was normal, they should double. Also, according the the ultrasound, the baby was measuring 6w2d and didn't have a heartbeat but that could be normal. Apparently, it should start beating sometime around now. Ok, so no answers and more waiting. Got it.

I took the next two days off of work and sat as still as possible. I made sure to lay only my left side in bed. I drank gallons of water. I did anything that I could possibly think of to keep my baby. The bleeding got heavier anyways. Then, the day of the second blood draw, it stopped. Nothing was there when I wiped. Nothing was there when I woke up that morning. Nothing. "Good. Maybe all of this is normal. I've heard of people getting their "periods" during pregnancy and everything being fine. Maybe I'm one of those people. " Those were the thoughts running through my head. Looking back, I was in denial. There was no way that we could be 6w2d. I had known about the pregnancy for 5 weeks already. And it wasn't like I was an early tester.

So, we went to the hospital Wednesday morning, got the blood taken and went home to wait for results. Ah yes, the waiting. We finaly got a call from my dostor at around 2. The numbers were going down. I was having a miscarriage. My heart sank. That couldn't be possible. I loved this baby. I was planning for this baby. We were buying a house to raise this baby in. We'd already put in our down payment. This wasn't right. I had done everything the "right way." I didn't drink. I didn't smoke. I didn' t eat hot dogs or lunch meat. I was married. We were stable. Why was this happening?

And then the pain kicked in. The most physical and emotional pain I have ever felt. I called my mom sobbing. My doctor wouldn't give me any pain medication and I swear I was dying. She said she'd be over in a "minute." She was bringing over pain meds. Oh, thank god. She took forever to get to my house. She had decided to go to the store and bring me survival type things. She brought over a roast chicken, fruit, veggies, a book, etc... It was very sweet really, but I just wanted the pain to stop and I was so mad at her for taking so long. I pretty much lived in a percoset fog for 3 days.

By Friday night, the largest clots had passed and now I was just bleeding. And still raw emotionally. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't go for more than an hour without crying. I thought I would never heal. I would never feel "normal" again. I didn't even want to think about getting pregnant again.

Progressively, things got better. I was able to find people to talk to. I was able to heal. And I was able to think about getting pregnant again. And apparently, think about it is all. Because even though we got pregnant very easily last time, since then, nothing. It's been a full year of trying since the m/c and I have not gotten pregnant again. There are so many questions for me as to why that is. Was our last pregnancy a complete fluke? Is there something wrong with me? Was it always there or was it caused my the m/c? Is there something wrong with Mike? When will we be able to find out? And my period started today. So, on to cycle 14 since we started TTC. Cycle 12 since m/c. I think I'll spend the day in bed watching movies. I don't feel like moving.