Sunday, September 28, 2008

I think I'm losing it

Help. I can't stop screaming inside. I was feeling so positive the first few days.
I've been taking a test every morning just to make sure they're still showing up positive. I have had cramping non-stop but was dismissing it because it's really not that bad. Just constant.
The test I took yesterday showed a positive line. I watched the pee go across the stick and set off the line. I thought, "Yaaay! It's strong enough that I don't even need to wait for the 3 minutes." When I went back to look at the test later in the day, the line as gone. WTF?! Gone. Nada. White as snow.
So I, of course, jump online to find out if this is normal. No. No it's not. And according to some places, a disappearing positive should be considered a negative. Negative? But I have two postives from previous days? How can I have a disappearing positive/negative result now?
Of course, now I'm starting to lose it mentally. I'm rationalizing all sorts of things. Every feeling under the sun is running through me. Then I realize that I'm out of tests. I can't test in the morning. I need to get more tests.
Mike and I run to the store and I grab some FRER's and some digitals. They are the two most reliable tests I know. Mike asks why I'm getting both. I answer that I need them for peace of mind. He rolls his eyes, starts to say something, then stops. He mutters something which I choose to ignore and we pay and check out. Now for the waiting. I have to wait until tomorrow morning to pee on these stupid things.
It is now morning. I peed on a FRER. Had to wait the full 3 minutes and got a VERY faint positive. My period is officially 1 day late and I feel that the line should be much darker as there should be plenty of that stupid hormone in my body if all is going well. So far, the progression of tests has been:
Thursday: faint but definitely visible positive.
Friday: Definite positive. Stronger and darker than Thursday.
Saturday: Disappearing positive.
Sunday: Test on FRER VERY faint positive.
I have a sinking feeling that AF (I think I like Duck's term "absurd f*er") will show later today or tomorrow during school. If tomorrow's test is negative, I don't know what I'll do. Seriously, I'm losing it now. I'm trying to maintain hope, but it's really hard when all signs are pointing to a chemical pregnancy.
And Mike has pretty much written this off. He saying things like, "well, we know it can happen" and "we'll get it next month", or "at least it happened early." WTF?! I know that guys don't get attached like women, but still. I am pregnant today and I might not be tomorrow. That hurts. And I'm scared that this was yet another fluke. Is it going to take us another 15 months to get pregnant again? I don't know that I can handle that. And will they now start the clock all over again for treatment? They want a year between pregancies. Will they count this? I have so many questions and no one to turn to to ask.
Does anyone have any advice other than, "try not to worry" or "it's not over til af shows?" I'm so, so scared you guys and I don't know what to do. Help.

(btw, I apologize for any spelling or grammar errors. I'm not reading back over this before I post)


Sarah R. said...

I wish I knew what to tell you honey. I guess all I can tell you is that we support you guys. I can't imagine what you are feeling and I know you're incredibly anxious. My phone is always on for you :)

shawna said...

I wish that I had some amazing words of wisdom. All I can tell you is that I am praying for you. FWIW, my tests varied for the first several days. I also had one that disappeared.

Rach said...

Oh Kate, I wish I had magic words for you and I am sure that nothing that I am about to say is what you want to hear or will make you feel any better. I can't just sit here and say nothing though. So, the only advice I can give you is what my doctor always said. "You are going to have to wait until tomorrow to see what happens with AF and to get your blood results back." This is this ikcy part where no one can help you and there is no place to turn. As much as you'd like to punch your hubby in his gut, he is trying to help in the only way he knows now. If a chemical pregnancy is the culprit the then it did happen, and you can get pregnant again. Of course, I hope the latter is the case and that you will be complaining about morning sickness before we know it. But if you are no longer pregnant, I know what that feels like and I don't think that men ever truly understand that feeling of emptiness and loss. Your body is trying though and you have to give it credit for that. I am sending you big hugs and still crossing my fingers. I am so sorry I can't be more helpful.

Just Me said...

I can tell you that I had taken 10,000 units of HCG for my trigger and only 3 days later it was the FAINTEST line. It SHOULD have been darker because it WAS THERE!

Hang in there... give it a day and take a digital to help ease your fears. It's all very rough.


shawna said...

I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you this morning. I hope that everything is fine.

Amanda said...

Oh Kate, how frustrating. I don't have much more wisdom to tell you. Although, my lines were faint when I took the tests the day AF was due. I hope this isn't a chemical pregnancy, but the real thing. Maybe you can get in to your doctor quickly since you've been trying for so long and you can get some answers. I'm thinking of you. Good luck.

v said...

i wish