Monday, June 30, 2008

The good, the bad, and the ugly

The good: My friend Shawna got these
yesterday. She and her husband have had a struggle to get this and I really hope for the best and her little babies ('cause there's the possibility of THREE in there!) Congrats girl!

The bad: I still have not gone to get the bloodwork done that the dr wanted me to get 2 months ago. I used the excuse that I would just wait until school was out. Well, now school's been out for 3 weeks and I still haven't gone. No really good reason why. It's supposed to be fasting bloodwork which means I need to go in the morning. Ugh. Not my idea of a good start to the day. I hate needles and I pass out when giving blood even on a very settled tummy. The thought of going in and having them stick me without any food in my stomach makes me dizzy. I was determined to go today. Well, here I sit at 11:53 and I have not gone. I have not eaten either. So I suppose I could still go, But we all know that's not going to happen. :P Here's to me actually getting it done tomorrow. I have a book club meeting at 10:00a.m., so I have to be up anyways. Maybe I'll go get the tests done first, then treat myself to a really good breakfast at Panera or something on my way to book club.

The ugly: My attitude. My brain function. My horrible, horrible jealously and sense of entitlement. I seriously hate myself right now but I just can't make it stop. Explanation:
I logged on to myspace this morning and found an update from a friend from high school - "I'M GONNA BE A DADDY" along with a bulletin and a full update. A quote from the bulletin: I'm gonna be a Daddy! Not a suga daddy, or a pimp daddy, but a bonafide genuine real life Big Pappa! (That's right, go procreation! I have swimmers!) Ugh! Now,this friend got married in January and now has a 12 week pregnant wife. I know that somewhere in my mind, I'm happy for him. And I truly do wish her a happy and healthy 9 months. But why them? Why not us? as if the fact that I've been trying to get pregnant for over a year somehow makes me DESERVE to have a baby ahead of other people who want babies. I know that's not how it works. And I know there are people out there who have been trying for FAR longer than me. But obviously they had no problems getting pregnant. We didn't the first time either but then we lost our baby. Will we ever be able to get pregnant again? Will we lose it again? I just hate that these thoughts even go through my head. I need to get out of the house and away from the computer. Otherwise this horrible spiral of depression and self-loathing will continue.

How do I get over this?!


v said...

I don't have answers (sorry) but I think time and spending time with your wonderful and supportive husband, friends and family might help. Again, I'm not sure that's a good answer. I have feelings like this all of the time, about different things. You can't believe how jealous I am of you and Mike that you guys have real jobs and a house (especially the house part). Maybe we're always looking for something more or something different because I *know* that my life is good, so why can't I just concentrate on that? Well, I can't, always, and that's just the way I am. (I don't know if I've ever told you before how green-eyed I am about the house...I hope it's not hurtful to hear. I'm happy for you and proud of you, but I'm also kind of self-absorbed or something, I don't know.)

Tara said...

Hang in there!
Don't let a little blood work keep you from achieving what you want. My sis is the same way but we slather her in emla and hold her hand and she's just fine. You can look into emla at the website and if you want upload videos asking questions to others in your same boat.
best of luck!

R said...

I am SO in the same boat as you. Pregnant on the second try (ego boost), miscarriage right before Christmas (ego deflation), trying to get pregnant ever since with no luck (ego? what's that?). I wish there were words for the both of us. I hate feeling angry towards pregnant women when it is such a wonderful experience for anyone to go through. I hate people telling me to stop thinking about trying to get pregnant and that it will just happen when I least expect it. I hate this feeling of being broken. I know everything happens for a reason, but right now there seems to be no reason.
Hang in there! I send you big hugs and hope things get better... for the both of us!

v said...

I love that you counted the food items on the plate! :) That is so not all that I eat, but, as you know, I don't like my food to touch. If I put more food than that on my plate, it'll all touch. We keep the rest of the food on the table and all munch on it as we go.