Do you see what I see?

So, I tested this morning. Lookie what I got.....


Yes internet, that IS a plus in the first window. And a plus means PREGNANT!!! Isn't that a beautiful sight? After 18 months of trying and one miscarrige, I'm finally pregnant again. I am scared, and excited, and scared, and nervous, and hopeful, and oh, did I mention scared? Terrified even? But soooooo happy. Ecstatic. Joyful.

I haven't technically missed my period yet though. I think at least one of those scared feelings will go away if I make it through the weekend with no AF showing up. I have the feeling of cramps that I get before AF shows. But absolutely no spotting which is a very good thing.

I went and got blood work done today. I should have beta and progesterone results on Monday. ::fingers crossed:: that everything is normal and that we have our baby in our arms at this time next year.

So internet, sorry to keep you waiting (as if you're all just so interested in my fertility status). You now know as much as me. :)

Now Katie needs to get her BFP. The CBEFM train needs to complete it's rounds. :D

Not in the mood

This is my excuse way too often. Or "I'll get to it tomorrow." And then, "It can wait another week."

Ugh. I've just been in a funk for the past, well, at least a week or more. The start of school is rapidly approaching and I have done nothing in my new classroom. I'm really sick of myself for being the HUGE procrastinator that I am. I had a whole summer to get stuff done and I got NOTHING done. Nothing on my house and nothing for school. No copies made. No plans written. Nothing decorated or reorganized. I acknowledge that this is a part of me I don't like and yet I do nothing about it. Why is that?

Other random life news: I'm going camping on Wednesday. I'm going to be hanging out on the beach on San Diego for five days. Should be very nice. Hopefully, I'll be able to relax. I'm highly doubting it though because of all he crap running through my mind. I'm pretty sure this will rule out the possibility of getting pregnant this month though because Mike's not coming with me and I *should* ovulate during the time I'm gone. Just my luck that when I finally get a plan, my body decides to screw up the timing. Ugh. But, the thought of being on the beach and not really needig to concern myself with anything kinda makes me say "Eh, it's already been 17 months. What's one more month in the big scheme of things?" (I say this in between the moments of "But what if this is your month?" Stupid doubt/hope. Always nagging.)

Fertility news: My system is finally adjusting to the metformin. I'm now taking the provera as well. Plus, my prenatal vitamin. I take them all at the same time and feel like a crazy person with my pill regimen. 4 frickin pills every night. God forbid I start Clomid. Ugh. I just want to be a "normal" person and be able to get pregnant by having sex. It happened once for me. Why not again? I don't understand.

Sorry to dump on you guys but I was feeling guilty for not blogging for so long and I didn't want this to add to the list of things I procrastinate on. *sigh*

I'm back

And I kept all of my clothes on. Just had my blood pressure taken. And my blood pressure was high. What?! My blood pressure is never high. Just goes to show you how friggin stressed I've been for the past few days. When the doctor came in, he talked to me about the results and the next steps to take.

He does think I have PCOS. He says it's a tough diagnosis to really pinpoint because there are so many symptoms that you could have that could mean that you have it (or don't). He's going to treat me for it though because all signs point to it and the treatment for it is what should help me anyways.

He prescribed Metformin to help handle the high insulin levels. I'm ready and kinda excited about this one.This should hopefully help with other issues I've been having as well (weight gain and acne specifically). ::fingers crossed:: My friend Sarah called it "the pretty pill." ;) We shall see.

He also wants to put me on Clomid. This scares the crap out of me. Good thing though that there's things that have to be done before the Clomid is started. I have to get an HSG done to check and make sure everything is clear in my tubes and ovaries. And Mike has to have his sperm analyzed to make sure all the little swimmers are good to go. I pretty sure they're fine since we did manage to get pregnant once before, but it's good to know for sure. And I shouldn't have to be the only one to get things analyzed.

My plan is to try the Metformin (and still Provera) for three months and see what happens. If nothing's different after that, then we'll move ahead with the monitored Clomid cycle.

Taking many deep breaths and jumping in to the world of infertility.

And the answer is....

My insulin levels actually were high. I'm shocked. Truly.

I have an appointment to talk to the doctor about the next course of action. On Thursday. As in, THIS Thursday. Like, two days from now. It's amazing to me that the first appointment I could get when I said I couldn't get pregnant was a month and a half wait, then another three months of "try this and see what happens". Now, suddenly they can get me in immediately. Mind you, I'm not complaining about me getting in so quickly this time. But why couldn't we get to this point 5 months ago?

Results?

I FINALLY heard back from the doctor's office about the bloodwork I had done on the 3rd (yes, the 3rd! It's now the 16th).

Good side: All levels that were tested were normal. I asked what this entailed and was told testosterone, lh, choleterol, glucose, estrogen, etc...

Bad side: for some godforsaken reason, they didn't test my insulin which was apparently what the doctor really wanted to know about. It's why it had to be fasting levels. Arg!!!! So, I'm going back tomorrow to get the stupid insulin test.

Apparently, doctor thinks I might have PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). After looking it up, I say there's no way. Yes, I have a lot of the outward symptoms (overweight, anovulatory cycles, acne), but I have hardly any of the actual effects (high testosterone, extra body hair, hair loss, high glucose, high blood pressure, elevated cholestorol). So, I'll be very interested to see what he says when these results come back.

Do any of you out there have PCOS and can share your experiences? How did the doctor determine you had it? What treatments did they prescribe?

Right now, I'm so lost and confused. And I'm not looking forward to another insanely long wait to hear results. And, it seems like this is what the doctor is leaning toward and I wonder what he'll do if the results don't tell him what he wants to "hear." What else could be wrong?

Oh, and in CBEFMland, we're on cd22 - still frickin' highs with no end in sight. AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!

Fresh air!

I'll be getting some! I just booked flight for Mike and I to go visit our friends in Washington state. I've been looking forward to this trip since, oh, I last went up to visit them in February. I absolutely LOVE IT up there and am hoping that Mike will love it too. I'm pretty sure he will.

I really was thinking we weren't going to make it though. Thank god I have the greatest mom ever and she helped us out. As always. She's awesome. So, Merry Christmas in July to us!

It's really lightened up my mood to have this to look forward to. My brain just seems to be in a better place knowing that in a week, I'll be someplace that's green. And much cooler (literally). With water nearby. And really great friends. And a baby. Yaaay. I'm finally going to get to meet our Sarah and Zap's baby. For whatever reason, I'm really looking forward to that. Weird being that most other babies I see gives me a sadness attack. Maybe it's because I've known about Delaney from the beginning? Well, whatever, I can't wait to get up there.

Fertility news stands the same. cd16=high on CBEFM. I started the Provera again yesterday. This all seems so routine now that I just can't seem to get myself at all excited that we're actully trying to make a baby. My brain just says "uh huh. we're doing this again. nothing new." I think Einstein's quote just about sums it up - “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." But who knows, maybe our insanity will pay off this month.

And now, I'm off to get books from the library. I'm blowing through Janet Evanovich books like crazy. I've read the first six Stephanie Plum books in the past 4 days. Now, hopefully seven and eight are on hold for me at the library. I'm having withdrawls. Haha. This is *almost* as bad as Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series (anyone else holding their breath for August 2nd?). At least Janet Evanovich books were written for "grown ups." ;)

The good, the bad, and the ugly

The good: My friend Shawna got these
yesterday. She and her husband have had a struggle to get this and I really hope for the best and her little babies ('cause there's the possibility of THREE in there!) Congrats girl!



The bad: I still have not gone to get the bloodwork done that the dr wanted me to get 2 months ago. I used the excuse that I would just wait until school was out. Well, now school's been out for 3 weeks and I still haven't gone. No really good reason why. It's supposed to be fasting bloodwork which means I need to go in the morning. Ugh. Not my idea of a good start to the day. I hate needles and I pass out when giving blood even on a very settled tummy. The thought of going in and having them stick me without any food in my stomach makes me dizzy. I was determined to go today. Well, here I sit at 11:53 and I have not gone. I have not eaten either. So I suppose I could still go, But we all know that's not going to happen. :P Here's to me actually getting it done tomorrow. I have a book club meeting at 10:00a.m., so I have to be up anyways. Maybe I'll go get the tests done first, then treat myself to a really good breakfast at Panera or something on my way to book club.


The ugly: My attitude. My brain function. My horrible, horrible jealously and sense of entitlement. I seriously hate myself right now but I just can't make it stop. Explanation:
I logged on to myspace this morning and found an update from a friend from high school - "I'M GONNA BE A DADDY" along with a bulletin and a full update. A quote from the bulletin: I'm gonna be a Daddy! Not a suga daddy, or a pimp daddy, but a bonafide genuine real life Big Pappa! (That's right, go procreation! I have swimmers!) Ugh! Now,this friend got married in January and now has a 12 week pregnant wife. I know that somewhere in my mind, I'm happy for him. And I truly do wish her a happy and healthy 9 months. But why them? Why not us? as if the fact that I've been trying to get pregnant for over a year somehow makes me DESERVE to have a baby ahead of other people who want babies. I know that's not how it works. And I know there are people out there who have been trying for FAR longer than me. But obviously they had no problems getting pregnant. We didn't the first time either but then we lost our baby. Will we ever be able to get pregnant again? Will we lose it again? I just hate that these thoughts even go through my head. I need to get out of the house and away from the computer. Otherwise this horrible spiral of depression and self-loathing will continue.

How do I get over this?!

Monday Mayhem

Alright, so not really mayhem but it sounds so cool.


My weekend was pretty good. Here's the rundown.


Jules' party was Saturday. I've been looking forward to it for a month now. It was a "Pimps n' Hos" party and while I don't like the terminology, the theatre part of my brain said "yippie!!! Costumes!!!!!" and sent me shopping. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to be a pimp or a ho but I knew I had a pinstriped jacket that needed to be worn. I figured with a fedora, I'd be good to go. In the end, I ended up buying an almost entirely new outfit and I think it came out well. What do you think?



That's me on the right and my friend Veela on the left. I loved my fedora so much. :) It was really nice to get out and laugh with friends. So glad that I was not at all worried about being pregnant. Mike and I both had a blast.


Sunday, Mike and I went to the library and picked up the next few episodes of Bleach which we've both really gotten into. I have never been a big anime fan but I'll often try to watch it with Mike because he's been collecting and watching anime since he was in high school. The extent of my anime experience in high school was Sailor Moon, which makes Mike roll his eyes. Haha. Anyways, so we got the episodes and sat and relaxed on the couch together for the afternoon.

I also finished The Time Traveler's Wife and can now say that it was a very good story. I laughed and cried. FYI to those dealing with infertility or losses: the book deals with both and if your loss is still new, hold off on this book.

Speaking of infertility, I started spotting today AND finally got a low on the CBEFM. YAHOO!!!!!!! So, hopefully everything starts soon and we can move forward. I can call the doctor and make an appointment to make a new plan if we don't get pg this month. So, win-win either way. Either I'm pregnant or we can actually get some help from the doctor and not another "well, you're young. it'll happen" or "you got pregnant before. give it another 3 months and then talk to me."

So, all in all, it's been a really good past few days.

Accountability

Need a place to waste some time and do something good for yourself and others? Go here.

In case you can't tell, I'm procrastinating again today. It's past 11:30 and I still haven't gotten dressed. Blah. I have got to break out of this cycle.

So, here's the list of things I want to get done. Maybe if I post it here and make myself accountable for it, I'll actually do something.

1. get dressed
2. take shower
3. go to store to get quiche ingredients
4. run dishwasher
5. wipe down kitchen
6. sweep/swiffer kitchen and bathrooms
7. laundry
8. pick up loft
9. vacuum (maybe leave this for mike :))

Alright, let's see what I can get done today. Thanks internet for keeping me on task.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, cd21 and CBEFM still says only high. At this rate, if I get a peak we may as well TTC since the party won't even be an issue.

Nothing

There is really nothing for me to blog about today. My life has gotten incredibly boring now that I don't have to go to work every day. I have these great plans for things I want to get done, but I keep pushing them back. I keep thinking "eh, I can get to it tomorrow." And then I don't. Hence the plight of procrastinors everywhere.



CBEFM still gave me a high this morning. I am starting to despise that thing. Even though I suppose it's not the CBEFM's fault. Don't shoot the messenger Kate.



A lot of girls that I "know" from the internet are getting pregnant. While I'm happy for them because most have struggled TTC, it hurts in a very selfish way. I think "I've been trying longer than you. That should be my BFP (big fat positive - pregnancy test)." I know that this is a struggle for all "infertile" women from time to time. (I still have a hard time thinking of myself as "infertile" because I did get pregnant once. Pretty easily too. But now it's been a year of truly trying and we have gotten nothing.) Ah well, this too shall pass.

Stupid, stupid body

Alright, so I guess it's a good thing we're TTA (trying to avoid) this month. I've been using my CBEFM to check for ovulation and I've been getting highs since cd9. It's now cd19!!! COME ON!!! Usually I have 3-4 days of highs and then my peaks. WTH is up with this 10 days of highs? Annovulatory cycle? Effect of the Provera (yes, I am taking it again this month)? Anyone know?

Thoughts

So, Mike and I went out running errands yesterday. It was beautiful weather and so for lunch, we got out food and sat outside. We started talking about this whole "getting pregnant" thing that had been taking over out thoughts for the past year (plus some). This made me start thinking. If I hadn't lost our baby. we would have a six month old child right now. Damn. That hit hard. Our original EDD was 12-31-07. It really hurts to think about, but now I can't get the thought out of my head. WHY? I really need to start thinking about positive things or I'm going to spiral into a depression. And that would be bad when I'm on summer break and home alone all day.

In other fertility news, we've decided not to TTC this month. Jules is having a party on the 21st and I want to be able to drink without wondering whether I'm pregnant or not. We've been going to parties just about once a month for the past 4 months and I haven't been able to drink at any of them. I wouldn't mind it if I had been pg, but it turns out that I just gave up a perfectly great night for nothing. So, this month, I will drink! Hooray.

In other non-fertility news, we found the most awesome store last night. It's called teavana and we ended up buying a ton (well, actually, one pound) of new teas. It's all loose leaf and the lady working was so great. She told us all about the teas and brought out these huge tea tins for us to sniff. Ahhhh, it was heavenly. I will be drinking tea every day I think. Yum!

I'm MEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLTING!!!!!!!

Holy crap it's HOT!!!! 106 degrees today and it's only gonna get worse. Remind me again why I live in Vegas? Oh yes, I remember (That comma doesn't seem like the right punctuation for that sentence. Oh well. That's what's staying there.) It's where the jobs are.

I had a great weekend.

Actually got into a swimsuit for the first time in two years. It was kinda nice to be in the pool and not feel too self conscious about my body. It helps when the other people around you are not perfect little skinny airheads. Thanks for having a get together Jules.

Then, I went to a pug meetup at The District. I love hanging out with my pug friends. Especially at The District on a beautiful night full of misters and live music. FABULOUS! And, I get to see Chiisai's "WE'RE GOING FOR A WAAAAAAALK!!!!" face. Hilarious.

After that, a late night showing of Iron Man with bunches of friends. Great movie. If you're on the fence about seeing it, I highly recommend you do. Great lines and good acting.

Then, Sunday was gaming with Evan. I really enjoyed the session and it was good to get back into it after a two month haitus. My inner geek was starting to feel ignored. But, she is satisfied now. Yaaay!

In fertility news, I'm 5dpo (days past ovulation for those not in the know) and am trying to not get my hopes up. We had really great timing this month and I'm taking the provera which, fingers crossed, should get my progesterone up high enough to hold on to an egg. I got my first BFP May 21st of last year. It's kinda a crappy anniversary to be coming up on and it keeps poking me in the back of the brain. At this time last year, Mike and I were in San Diego enjoying the sun and Shamu. We had no idea that I was pregnant. I was feeling great and was so happy with my life. Now, after the miscarriage, my wedding anniversary has been tainted with this shadow of sadness. I'm really hoping that May can be our happy month this year just like it was last year. And the year before that. Keep us in your thoughts please. Thanks.

Alright, that's all for now. I'm off to watch Dancing with the Stars!

9:00 News

Our top story today: Hooray!! I ovulated!!!! That little eggy popped up on my monitor and made me so happy. I know, TMI, but it's my blog. So there. The weird thing is, I ovulated at a "normal" time. cd14. Here's to hoping this leads to a "normal" pregnancy.

And in other news, I took the day off of work. I have had a terrible cough for the past few days and my throat is scratchy and in pain. It's makes it very hard to teach when your throat isn't working right. Soooooo, I'm resting at home today. I think I'll enjoy it. Might get started on a new knitting project. This one I think. Yaaaay! Isn't it cute? I need to find a cute clasp like that though. And I think I'll add a little handle or something.

So, I'm off. To rest, relax, and knit. :) I leave you with another picture of Chiisai that encompasses my feelings right about now.

A confession

Today is Mother's Day. Being as it is, I feel the need to share this.

I had a miscarriage. On June 25th, 2007 I lost a baby that I had so many hopes and dreams for. A baby that was so much wanted and already so loved. That first week I thought I wanted to die. The pain, both physical and mental, was horrific.

I didn't have many people to talk to. We had only told a very small handful of people. While they were a great comfort to me, I needed a place to REALLY talk about my feelings and have others who knew where I was coming from. That's when I found TheNest's Pregnancy Loss board.

It was still small at that time and the women were a truly wonderful and supportive group. When I posted about my loss and the feelings I was having, I got so many responses and condolences that I sobbed as my heart healed a little. One of the best responses I received helps me even now. It gave me the title for this blog. It helps me through any day that I just don't think I can get past. Unfortunately, I did not save the name of the girl who left this for me. So, whoever you are, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm now going to share it with all of you out there in blogland, in hopes that it may help heal any hurts you have.

"I understand about breaking points, and you are certainly being pushed to the brink. As corny as it is, picture in your head, right now, a shiny, beautiful, straight, tall, unwavering golden rod, which can not be broken. That is you, Kate. That is you.

There are others here to pick you up. Right now, just visualize, and make it through each moment. Knowing that we are right there with you in that moment, holding your hand and your heart."