We're good to go

**I apologize in advance for the TMI nature of this post. Feel free to skip to the next set of stars if you don't want to read about my girly stuff**

So, I am officially using birth control again. This is extremely weird as I haven't taken any birth control since before I got married. I stopped taking my pills about 3 month before we got married and never started them again. We used condoms for the first year and then started trying for a baby. So there has been no form of birth control used in this family for more than two years! And yet there's only one Bridget. That's what IF will do to ya folks.

Anywho, on to the BC. I react VERY badly to the pill. The adjustment to the hormones is truly frightening. I turn into an absolute monster and cannot control my emotions. I yell and scream at Mike for the tiniest things (ex: squeezing the toothpaste from the middle) and I cannot stop myself. For this reason, neither one of us was too keen on me going on the pill again. Everyone says that breastfeeding is a natural form of BC. Well, that may be true but I just can't trust it. Especially since I'm not exclusively breastfeeding. I definitely don't want an "oops" baby.

With all of this in mind, I talked to the doctor and we decided on Mir.ena. I really like the fact that it will last for 5 years and I don't have to remember anything (except to get it removed in five years!) There's no hormone adjustment period and the side effects are pretty mild (some cramping and bleeding for a bit.) It took about 2 minutes to "install" (although I waited for an hour and half past my appointment time to be seen but that's another story). And now, I'm all set. No more babies here!

Which again, is a strange thing. For so long, all that consumed every thought was getting pregnant. The timing, the CBEFM, the peeing on sticks, the disappointment, etc... And now I'm back to being a "normal" person who actually worries about sex leading to a baby. ::eye roll::

**It's safe now**

Look at the cute Bridget in her swing!


:)

I'm so scared *updated

We took Bridget to her one month well-baby check on Tuesday. She's five and a half weeks and has not gained any weight. Her head is growing, she's an inch longer, but she's still at her birth weight. I'm so scared. The doctor called it "failure to thrive" which is the worst term ever as it makes it seem like something that can't be overcome. 

I feel like a terrible mommy. I feel like I've failed her. Or her little body is failing her.  And I don't know how to fix it. 

The doctor didn't give us any real answers.  He said it could be anything from not eating enough or not metabolizing calories to enlarged heart or lung problems.  So for the short term, we're supplementing with formula.  I've been pretty much exclusively breastfeeding to this point.  Now I BF and then we offer her a bottle afterward. She has been eating from it so I guess I haven't been providing enough to this point.  Hopefully this will help her get on track.  I'm so scared it's something more serious though. 

We had to take her to get blood drawn yesterday (my heart broke while she cried) and then she had to get chest x-rays done. I'm calling the doctor every few hours hoping that he'll have some update at least on the x-rays. 

Have any of you gone through this? I'm completely freaking out and fighting back tears every few minutes. I just want her to be healthy and happy. Is that too much to ask?

**updated**  The Dr called and everything came back normal in her x-rays and bloodwork.  Actually, he said something in her bloodwork was a little high but didn't say what.  He wasn't concerned.  I am of course. However, I chose not to ask what it was because then I would just spend the rest of the week looking up reasons for elevated whatever-it-was.  I'll be taking her in next Tuesday for a weight check (my idea, not his) to see if this supplementing is working. Please, please let it work.

Fears. I has them.

I must have fears of my doctor.  I don't feel like I have fears but every time I go, my blood pressure shoots up.  WTH body?  To prove my point, I give you this example from today.

I had an NST at 1:30.  I was running late by about five minutes and worried that I was going to put the very nice NST lady behind schedule.  I got in, sat down, hooked up, and then nice lady took my blood pressure.  118/84.  Perfect she said.  She looked back over my charts and noted that my blood pressure has never been high there.  I could tell she was kinda wondering why exactly I was there since she hadn't seen any reason for it.  But she didn't say anything.  The rest of the NST went well.  Baby's baseline heart rate was around 120 with really good accelerations up to 154.  Go baby!  And all my fluid levels are "perfect."  So, good to know I'm not leaking anything that shouldn't be leaking yet.

Jump to my doctor's appointment.  I had run some errands in between the two appointments so I was feeling pretty proud of myself.  I was running late but not worried because the office is ALWAYS running behind.  I signed in, sat down, and waited while reading my book.  I got called back maybe 10 minutes later.  Sat down on the table and the nurse took my BP.  140/90.  WTH!?  An hour ago it was perfect!  What do you people do to your blood pressure cuff?  It can't be me, right?  I think I must have a fear of the table.  Yeah, that's it.

Other things learned at this appointment: The doctor will allow me to go one week past my due date without induction "unless my blood pressure skyrockets."  In which case, he wants me to deliver at 39 weeks.  That would make May 22nd.  To which my thought is, "Which BP readings are we using?"  Because, as we have just learned, my BP is only high at YOUR office.  At home I'm great.  NST's office is perfect.  So let's just hope he'll take that into account.  I REALLY don't want to be induced.  Especially since it doesn't seem to be necessary.

No L&D for us

I was feeling fine the rest of the night so we stayed home.  As much as I love the hospital we will eventually be laboring at, I'd rather spend as little time there as possible.  

I have a day of appointments tomorrow.  

First up:  Ultrasound!  Yaay!  I haven't seen the little bugaboo since 24 weeks so I'm so excited to see what she's been up to in the past 10 weeks.

Next:  Another NST (neonatal non-stress test).  Laying back in the recliner and listening to the heartbeat.  I'm waiting for the day actual contractions start registering.  I hope her heartbeat isn't wonky this time.  The first time, she wouldn't move around enough to get the right accelerations going.  Last time, her heartbeat was going down too low before accelerating.  Tomorrow, I'm asking for perfect heartbeat tones.  You hear me baby? *poke* (she rolled so I'm going to take that as a yes, even though it could be the start of the eye rolling "yeah sure mom.")

Finally:  OB/GYN.  I believe this will be the first of my internals.  Not looking forward to it at all.  They said internals would start at 35w and tomorrow will be 34w6d.  So maybe I'll get away with just a normal non-invasive appointment one more time. *fingers crossed*

And to reward myself, I have scheduled a pedicure for the afternoon.  Yaaay!  I'm so looking forward to it.   I actually got Mike to paint my toenails for me a few weeks ago, but it will be so nice to have all the rubbings and stuff done.  

So, until next time folks, stay well.  I'll let you know if anything interesting happens tomorrow.  

Is it strange to feel this way?

This post has been floating around in my head for quite awhile, but after recent events and reading this post by JackiTiger (who also made my common thread bracelet for me), I feel that it need to be written down.

I can't help but feel like I'm a faker.  Yes, I'm pregnant and I accept this (most days).  But in my head, I'm still suffering through IF.  It's so strange.  I feel the baby moving around.  We had an u/s on Friday and everything looks good (She's measuring right on track with 150bpm heartbeat and my blood pressure was finally down as well).  And I could not be happier about all of this.  But when I go out, I find myself being self conscious of my belly.  I love it and stare in fascination when I'm at home, but out and about, I wonder who I'm hurting with it.  Not physically, but emotionally.  

I know that there were days when we were struggling to conceive that it just about killed me to walk into stores and see the bellies.  I know there are other IFers out there who still suffer with this.  Target was often the worst and some days I would actually avoid shopping there, even though I really needed to, just to save myself the emotional drain. You other TTTCers know what I'm talking about, right?

Mike and I were out "shopping" (really, just wandering around in shops) all day Saturday and there must have been at least six visibly pregnant women in every store.  I swear that there must have been some pregnant water going around because there are pregnant women EVERYWHERE!  I actually turned to Mike and said, "If we were still TTC, today would have been a day I would have gone home and cried."  He looked at me like I had three heads.  I had to explain the frustration and anger that I sometimes felt.  And days when there were pregnant women all over the place were the worst.

The whole ordeal stressed me out.  I kept wondering if any of the other women I saw had struggled.  Were there any women I was passing by that were on the verge of tears and praying that they could just leave the store as soon as possible because of my belly?  I wish there was some way to say, "We struggled for this baby.  18 months of perfectly timed everything and monitors and drugs and one miscarriage before we got here.  Please know you're not alone.  Talk to me."  I mean, I have my common thread bracelet but only some people know about that.   And I've never seen anyone else wearing one.

So, in an open letter to all of you women I pass throughout this pregnancy (and into the time I'm holding a baby in my arms), I love my baby and I hope that somehow, you will know that I'm thinking of all of you in your struggles. I'm praying that soon, I'll pass you in a store and smile at your growing belly.  I hope that one day, we'll all be able to lift this weight that IF places on our shoulders and move past the frustration and anger we sometimes feel.  I'm thinking of you and sending you strength.

It's Aliiiiive!!!!!

My laptop that is. Oh internet, I cannot tell you how utterly happy I am about this. Mike's been laughing at me because I have been stroking my keyboard and saying things like, "Oh, I have missed you so much" and "Don't ever go away again, ok?" and "I love you computer." But truly, I am sooo glad to be able to relax on the couch and surf away. What does this mean for you? Hopefully, I'll actually be able to update more often. Hooray! And pictures will be making a return. :)

Funny story for the day:
I was walking into the school this afternoon for lunch. I hear behind me in small whispers "hurry! she's going inside. go, go!" I glance behind me and three little girls from another classroom are hurrying toward me. I continue walking. They call my name just before I reach the door. I turn around to three faces staring up at me. "Mrs. M, are you having a baby? Yes or no?" Hmmm, must be showing more than I thought. I was taken aback my the bluntness. No wishy washiness there. No room for wiggling. I quickly thought through all of the options: Lie. Truth. None of your business. What do you think? Why do you ask? I decided on truth. Why not? If anything were to happen at this point, I would be out of work for awhile anyways so I supposed it couldn't hurt anything. "Yup" came out of my mouth. The complete and utter shock on the girls' faces was priceless. They went running off yelling, "Mrs. M is having a baby!" I was expecting to come into a barrage of questions when I picked my kids up from lunch but got nothing. Not a word from any of my kids. I'm thinking it won't take long for word to spread though.

I must admit that I'm happy it's been put out there. Because really, how do you bring up pregnancy with a group of seven year olds? And when?

My doctor's appointment is tomorrow. Hopefully we'll discuss the ultrasound. And I'll get to hear the heartbeat again. :) I'll be sure to keep you all updated.

((hugs)) to all. I have missed you!

One cranky cervix later

And the baby seems to be doing just fine! Strong heartbeat of 140 bpm. My blood pressure was high. I think that's just because I was freaking out though. Then they did a loverly pap exam. UGH! Not my favorite thing in the world anyways, but pregnant, it seemed to suck more than usual. And apparently I have a very sensitive cervix. It does not like being messed with. The doctor immediately said "Oh, you're going to have some spotting. I just barely swabbed and I can already see the bleeding." Wonderful. But everything's ok. And that's the best news I cold ever hope for.

The big ultrasound is scheduled for January 5th. I'm going to have to change it though because I realized on the way home that that is the first day back from Winter Break and I can't take it off. So hopefully I can get in just a few days later. We'll see.

So now you're as up to date as I am. Hooray!

A day of interest :)

Lots of things today. Voting, doctor, and morning sickness.

Ah yes, I had my first bout of morning sickness. Luckily, just a few minutes of gagging and dry heaves with spit and it was over. Here's to hoping that's the extent of my experience with this lovely symptom. :) (although if it means delivering a healthy baby, I'll take it every day)

The doctor's appointment was not what I was expecting. I was prepared to have an exam or at least have him use the doppler to hear the heartbeat. Nope. Nothing. Told me the due date (note the ticker change) and set up another appointment. Asked if I had any questions. That was it. Luckily, he did answer all of my questions. Surprising news (that made my day): I can have sushi! Now mind you, the only "raw" sushi I eat is seared ahi, but I love it soooooo much. I think maybe I'll try to talk Mike into going this weekend. Yum! I can also have hot dogs and lunch meat. And I only need to keep taking the Metformin for 2 more weeks. Hooray again!

Then, they took my blood. Lots and lots of it. 7 vials of it. Well, 6 and then the tech looked at the order again and realized that he'd missed one. So he stuck me AGAIN! I hate needles and have mild panic attacks when they're needed. I wanted to throttle that tech. But it's over and no more for another 4 weeks as long as all stays good. :)

Me and "the blob" voted today. Yes, my voice was heard. I did everything in my power to make the nation the way I want it. I have a sticker to prove it! We'll see what happens. ::watches CNN:: How many of you are with me?

I'm back

And I kept all of my clothes on. Just had my blood pressure taken. And my blood pressure was high. What?! My blood pressure is never high. Just goes to show you how friggin stressed I've been for the past few days. When the doctor came in, he talked to me about the results and the next steps to take.

He does think I have PCOS. He says it's a tough diagnosis to really pinpoint because there are so many symptoms that you could have that could mean that you have it (or don't). He's going to treat me for it though because all signs point to it and the treatment for it is what should help me anyways.

He prescribed Metformin to help handle the high insulin levels. I'm ready and kinda excited about this one.This should hopefully help with other issues I've been having as well (weight gain and acne specifically). ::fingers crossed:: My friend Sarah called it "the pretty pill." ;) We shall see.

He also wants to put me on Clomid. This scares the crap out of me. Good thing though that there's things that have to be done before the Clomid is started. I have to get an HSG done to check and make sure everything is clear in my tubes and ovaries. And Mike has to have his sperm analyzed to make sure all the little swimmers are good to go. I pretty sure they're fine since we did manage to get pregnant once before, but it's good to know for sure. And I shouldn't have to be the only one to get things analyzed.

My plan is to try the Metformin (and still Provera) for three months and see what happens. If nothing's different after that, then we'll move ahead with the monitored Clomid cycle.

Taking many deep breaths and jumping in to the world of infertility.

I'm scared

I know it's irrational, but I'm really nervous about this appointment today. I think it's fear of the unknown. I have no idea what's going to happen today. I have no idea if we're just going to talk, or he's going to do some sort of exam. Are they going to take blood? Prescribe medications?

I know he's going to ask if I have any questions. I know that as always I'm going to go totally blank. There's going to be tons of info or whatever and I'm just going to try to look like I'm functioning. My stomach is already in knots and this blog is taking twice as long to write because my hands are kinda shaking and my brain is not remembering where all of the keys are. ::deep breath:: I know I'm getting myself all worked up and making this much more than it is. But I am truly scared. I'll update when I get back.

And the answer is....

My insulin levels actually were high. I'm shocked. Truly.

I have an appointment to talk to the doctor about the next course of action. On Thursday. As in, THIS Thursday. Like, two days from now. It's amazing to me that the first appointment I could get when I said I couldn't get pregnant was a month and a half wait, then another three months of "try this and see what happens". Now, suddenly they can get me in immediately. Mind you, I'm not complaining about me getting in so quickly this time. But why couldn't we get to this point 5 months ago?